and about that money...

Asking for money is always difficult, even if it's from someone who is "supposed" to give you money (e.g. your parents, when you're growing up; or your boss, for a raise). And I find it difficult to accept money that I don't feel like I've worked for. So raising support to go work in Colombia next a year has been an exercise in confronting my own stigmas and shifting the way I see money and merit.
When a work for a for-profit business (like a restaurant), or for the community college (which is government funded), I feel like I can do with my paycheck whatever I decide, because I worked for it! We signed a contract: I will work, the company will pay $X per hour, and we each hold up our end of the deal. Of course, I still have all kinds of ideas (both learned and instinctual, I think) about what I should do with said money, and that complicates the matter, turning it into a moral issue. But when I directly ASK my friends, family, and acquaintances, as well as the acquaintances of my friends, family or acquaintances for money, things get more awkward and tricky.
For example, how much do I allot myself per month if there's extra money? And what do I do with the extra? Don't people on the mission field put money into savings? But isn't there a difference between me going for a year and people who go for their entire lives? Well, maybe this extra money will be for an emergency... or maybe I can support a special project or another volunteer, in a pinch... What about when I want or need to get away for a little while? How much money can I use from my donations for that? Or should I use my own money for recreation?
I've already begun to work through some of the tentative answers to these questions, but all the thoughts are real, and they're there, and I feel like I have to be uber-responsible with this money that people with faces and names have parceled out to me. It doesn't come in the form of a check from the state treasury, signed by a person whose name I've never bothered to notice.

Also, there's the twist of "I don't like to receive money I don't feel I've earned, but I'm happy to give charitable donations to organizations who distribute it to 'the needy', and I occasionally give directly to individuals." Why do I think the recipients of my charity don't have the same feelings as I do? Why do I claim control in the situation? Do I strip their dignity by denying them a fair exchange? How can I change that system of unreciprocated charity? There is value in work, and receiving fair compensation for it. There is also value in cheerful donations to those in need.
Focusing in more on the previous post's quote, what about the fact that giving a donation (cheerful or obligatory) can feel like I've done my duty and can check "service to the poor and/or needy" off my list? In our currency-driven economy, money is necessary, but it's so much easier to replace love, compassion, personal contact and attention, with a donation. Or a cup of coffee. Or some change scrounged out from the bottom of my purse, in a hurried moment of interaction while I hold my breath and try to make sense of the babbling, wondering what is true and what is lie and what is mental illness? It doesn't get to the bottom. Can we ever "get to the bottom" of the problems? Are there any solutions?

It makes me think of the concept of "kingdom efficiency" again. That while God was on earth, he spent his good 'ministry years' hanging out with a rag-tag crew of people who didn't really understand what it was all about until after he died.

This morning I woke up remembering a time in high school where I made it quite evident to the entire student body how unloving and self-righteous I was. And I didn't even realize it. Sure, I was just 16, but I thought I had it together. The crazy thing is, until that moment this morning I had only been embarrassed by that memory on a personal level, not ashamed and repentant.
I guess what I'm getting at is: more love, less efficiency.
Money is necessary in our currency-driven economies. It's just one more thing to figure out how to use as an agent of love and service, and not to assume that I know what's best, or think that it exists to serve me.

micro-charity at home (and abroad?)

"The sad fact is, distant acts of macro-charity will always be easier. As much as we're told that money has its hold on society, time and empathy are the real commodities people are unwilling to part with. We're all for helping the broken and downtrodden, just not on our ride home after a long day. The life Jesus actually calls us to... is one that gets down in the muck of the human experience and live with the people there...
"While supporting global cuases is both necessary and noble, we can't be self-satisfied in our efforts if we ignore the hurting people around us... Am I being naive in believing we can make a difference locally without sacrificing our concern globally? ... will we take a risk to put a face to the problems we give lip service to?"
-Adam Smith, "Bus Stops and Missed Opportunities" Relevant Magazine, Nov-Dec 2008

You probably know that I'm often wondering about what I'll do after my year in Bogota. Will one year turn into two, a few, several, a life? Or will it be: one year? Will I go to another country, or return to my own? If I come back to live in the States, I wonder which one I'll go to, and what I'll do. Work? Study? Live in community? Live on a farm in exchange for my labor? Come back to Greensboro?
This is where that cry for FOCUS! comes back in, and article's like Smith's in Relevant this month make me question the practice of leaving our homelands to go work with people in other places. A note, though: the author is an American currently living in New Zealand. Maybe the "hurting people around us" really can be just whoever is around me, regardless of where I am? Maybe my location matters less than my actions? But as long as I'm here, I can't defer my "helping the broken and downtrodden", putting it off for February.

I already feel myself pulling back a bit here in Greensboro. I'm standing against it -- trying to stay connected and involved -- but there are some things that seem less important than they would if I were going to be staying around for more than just another month.
I love Greensboro, and it's been a great home, and it's been especially beautiful to me this year, knowing I'm leaving it. But there is definitely a part of me that thinks I won't be moving back to the Gate City. I can't say yet if I think I'll be moving back to N.C., or to the U.S. of A.
I'm thankful I don't have to know yet.

I'll try to reflect on the money aspect of that excerpt in another post.

"Merry Christmas, America! Who did we get?" and Empathy

"America has sent a good message to the world. ... Yesterday I received about ten phone calls from Ghana asking me if it was true, or if the media was lying to them." Was the U.S., in fact, electing an African-American as the head of state?
Talking politics with my Ghanain co-worker this season has been fun. Even though he won't become a citizen until next year and, therefore, couldn't vote, he's been one of the most enthusiastic followers of the campaigning. Every day I saw him at work he asked me if I'd heard the latest news, or if I'd watched the debate, or if I'd finally made up my mind. Once he even offered to make me some cream puffs if I would just make my decision (but I never got them...).

Driving home from work Tuesday night, I felt like it was Christmas Eve -- I'd go to bed and wake up to brightly-wrapped, red and blue results, brought to us all by voters, hard-working volunteers and news-broadcasters.
That morning, the community recreation center across from my house was transformed into a polling place, and the parking lot was full when I got up at 7:00 a.m. Walking around near my church later in the morning, inviting local business owners and employees to join us for a week of prayer for the city, was delightful. First, the receptionist next door to our rented space expressed gratitude for the invitation and concern for the election. "Are you all open for prayer today? I feel a real need for prayer this morning." The waiting taxi drivers down the block watched the news as Obama cast his vote, and asked who we'd voted for. Jovial and friendly, they took information about the times of open prayer. I hope to see some of them next week.

I want to feel joy with them, and concern for our country and world with Donna, too.

Is this similar to Paul's saying in 1 Corinthians 9, "Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings" ?
To empathize, to feel with others?

bookends

My posts this month are like bookends to October... almost.
It has gotten chilly. I am wearing a scarf. I sit on the floor next to the furnace grate to eat my breakfast and read in the mornings.
While doing so this week, I noticed several books on E's shelf that I may be interested in reading. I think I'll spend these next 7 or 8 weeks reading and reading and reading my brains out, not necessarily trying to absorb or retain it all, but just to be bathed in others' words and thoughts.
That's right, folks, seven or eight short weeks are all that remain of Emily in Greensboro. In addition to reading until my face falls off, I hope to spend as much time as possible with all of YOU who live here. I love you, you know? And I'm going to miss you, more than I'll miss the Green Bean, and Jack's Corner, and Cheesecakes by Alex, and Foust Park, and all of Tate St., Simple Kneads, and my various homes over the past five years.

Focus, Emily! Focus!

Yes, that's right. As of yesterday "focus" is a new prayer priority for me.
I was reading my friend Rehanna's blog about vision -- how even when we have the "what" of our life vision (i.e. what it is we are passionate about and feel drawn or 'called' to do), it may take a lot more time to get the where, when, and how of that vision.

After catching up on that and others of her posts, I realized that I feel like I don't even solidly have the "what"! I easily get empassioned about issues and ideas and taking actions -- and I like that about myself, that I am able to be passionate. But it's all over the place and I want to narrow it down so I can be effective in where I'm pouring my energy and my passion. (I'm wary of my use of the term or concept of "effectiveness" but I'll leave that alone for now because I don't know if it's misplaced or not.)

It's tempting for me to want to know permanent focus -- what I'll do with "the rest of my life" -- but I doubt I will get that information, and I'm not yet sure I actually want it.
I thought to myself, "This scattered-energies business will end once I leave Greensboro! Then I'll be in Bogota and it will be obvious what my focus is!" ... but then on Monday I realized that no matter where I go I will have opportunities to get spread out too thin. I could easily see or feel that D. Higuita wants me to get on board with his ministry and peacemaking in Colombia, but I'm just interested in talking with Colombians, finding potential churches for me to be a part of, knowing more about the country's history and present situation!
So, I'll continue praying for 1.) Focus in Vision and, back to that recurring request 2.) being able to know my boundaries and say "no"

politickin' (and pot lickin')

Last Friday Carol came over (yay! she's back from Europe... again! and away from creeeeeepy Italian men!) and we cooked dinner and watched the presidential debate.
Since there is more than enough internet information and commentary on that matter, I'll spare you all but to say that I was pleased to find that I really respect both candidates. I feel that this frees me up to really vote on issues and not on personalities. Also, I think I'm discovering that I really am financially and socially more on the left of the political spectrum, with the exception of the traditionally right-sided pro-life belief.
I'm excited for the vice prez debate on Thursday, as it is possible that either Palin or Biden could become our nation's leader at some point in the next four years, and I want to know more about them.
Last night I went to hear a great speaker at Guilford College. He's a Colombian presbyterian pastor and he came to talk about the peace process in Colombia, giving historical background and currently what he's invovled in, as well as encouraging us to be global citizens and remember that the world's problems are our problems.
But I find myself frustrated with governments. With the concept of government. With the human tendency to place our hope in powerful people, elected officials, and legislation, instead of hanging that weight on the only one who is really in power. Psalm 146 says it perfectly:

Don't put your confidence in powerful people; there is no help for you there. When their breathing stops, they return to the earth, and in a moment all their plans come to an end.
But happy are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God. He is the one who made heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them. He is the one who keeps every promise forever, who gives justice to the oppressed and food to the hungry. The Lord frees the prisoners. The Lord opens the eyes of the blind. The Lord lifts the burdens of those bent beneath their loads. The Lord loves the righteous. The Lord protects the foreigners among us. He cares for the orphans and widows, but he frustrates the plans of the wicked. The Lord will reign forever. O Jerusalem, your God is King in every generation! Praise the Lord!

the roaring twenties

Sometimes I feel like roaring. Being a twenty-something can be more difficult than I imagined.
It seems that the whole point of this period in life is to find out and solidify who I am. i.e., to Grow Up.
Not only do I have to try different views on for size, to see how they fit, I have to test out the beliefs I hold in the varied company of friends, coworkers, family members, acquaintances, strangers... and learn to be the same in whichever social setting I find myself.
It may be a delusion that this time of tension and trial will end once I cross the thirty line.
Also, the fact that I take for granted the twenties as the time for self-definition is probably largely due to my location in history and geography. Lots of people are theorizing that we post-modern Westerners have succeeded in streching out our adolescence further than anyone in the past. We also no longer have any established rites of passage into adulthood to help us know who we are and how we fit in...
Which leaves me thinking and talking about it a lot, and writing a blog about it. The ontology -- the metaphysical study of being -- of Emily -- me, myself, and I.