I believe that we each have our personal "recurring themes" in life, and with God. I don't know what yours are. One of mine is "trust others - but not too much."
No one is an island, a fact that I readily accept -- I'm a rather social creature -- and yet I struggle in certain aspects of really trusting others. (don't we all?) This includes God. Even though, looking over the course of my 26 years, I can see that my Creator has been faithful, more often than not I have to consciously remind myself to TRUST HIM!
So, as He invites me again, and again, and again, and again ("to infinity and beyond!" grin the little boy's Buzz Lightyear slippers cast aside on the floor) to put my hope in him alone, to not rely on human beings nor place my confidence in their plans, I get to choose in whom I will place my trust: myself, others, or God?
The problem has been that I am too trusting, actually. And not in simple matters of believing what someone says, or being a casual friend – my grave tendency has been to put my trust in a human being in the deepest sense of the word, in the sense that the psalms use with the words "hope, trust, confide, wait." I have all too often given others a place that only God can (and should) hold. The result is disastrous, and yet my temptation is always to do it again!
I have struggled against this for so long, in fact, that now I am actually starting to learn to stop it earlier and not let it run its full course! While this is great news, it means that now deeper friendships get more complicated from the beginning! How do I keep myself in check, and keep friendships in balance? I know that God always wants first place, and deserves it; it is His. But how do I know when He is actually inviting me to open up to someone new? And how do I keep the balance of: God in that deep place of "trust, hope, wait," and friends on a different level? Especially when it is a friendship that I feel that God is bringing along...
And, on the flip side: as difficult as it is to 'hang the weight of my soul' on the One who has never let me down, how am I supposed to really trust another human being, when every one of them has the potential to hurt me?! [Just as I am extremely adept at injuring others, whether unintentionally or not! Yet, I love me!, and expect the understanding and forgiveness that I "deserve"!]
So, here are some verses that He's brought to mind as I'm processing this stuff:
1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
Psalm 62:2 "Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." (See also: Psalms 130 and 131)
Isaiah 33:6 "He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure."
Based on these scriptures, and my experiences with God, I feel that these are His invitations to me in this area:
1. Believe, and receive, His love.
2. Choose, daily, to cling to the Unshakeable Rock, and to none other, as my source and the one who is always trustworthy.
3. Walk in the fear of the Lord -- respecting and honoring Him above all other desires or ideas -- and let Him perfect me in love as He teaches me to trust others.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Holiday moods
Yesterday I decided to break my own rules and start listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving. Some would argue that I actually listen to Christmas music year-round, but I generally try to restrain myself (the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack is technically jazz, and is great background music).
It happened like this: We arrived back to the house after the parent visit, at which we made plans for next month's year-end visit, Christmas party, and lunch. We were all in good spirits, and I said to Bibi that I wanted Christmas music, even though Thanksgiving isn't for another eleven days. So, she put it on and of course the topic of the holidays came up -- the decorations, the food, the outings to see the lights, opening presents. The older girls were in the room and we were all talking about Christmas, when I started feeling attacked or ridiculed for some things we did or didn't do last year. Like having a live tree that we cut down on the farm, which (for me) was very special but for the girls wasn't as pretty because it wasn't a perfect cone-shape (and, since we don't have a proper tree stand, it dried out, even though we tried to keep it watered). And the fact that we all decided (the girls included) to open presents on the morning of the 25th, for the sake of the little kids, when in Colombia the tradition is to open them at midnight on the 24th.
I didn't want to make a big fuss, but I knew that I needed to let them know how I was feeling, because I really can't spend the next month and a half with those looks and critical attitudes. Well, I ended up crying a little bit, which pretty much killed the jolly mood we had before (or maybe they killed the jollyness when they started being bratty).
Here's the thing: we are all away from our families for the holidays. And Christmas, most would agree, is first and foremost about spending time with family and loved ones. Bibi and I have decided to be here, have chosen to sacrifice our family holiday season for the sake of these kids, that they won't be alone. But they don't have a choice in the matter, which is quite sad. Apart from that, each family (not to mention national culture) has different holiday traditions that are important to them. In this "family," we represent three countries and five families. How do we combine those things to have an enjoyable and memorable Christmas season? Plus, these kids honestly don't have a "family culture of holiday traditions," because of their backgrounds (mostly: lack of resources), yet they complain that we don't have "good Christmas" here. And, I realized yesterday, in most families, the parents don't ASK the kids how they want to "do Christmas" -- the parents form the family culture and the kids grow up in that and adopt those traditions, until they move out on their own and adapt them. Yet another facet of being, but not being, a family
Yesterday I suggested that we each choose ONE THING (be it a meal, or some part of the decoration, or a certain activity) that we really want for Christmas to be special for us; that it be something that won't negatively affect the others; it isn't supposed to be a gift that we want for Christmas.
So now I have one week to decide what is going to be the most important thing for me, that I can reasonably hope and ask that we have or do.
a live tree? -- I don't want to deal with the complaining. Plus, part of what's special about the live tree for me is picking it out and decorating it together, and I think they will have bad attitudes. Maybe I'll just have a little one in my room, and we can decorate the artifical one for the house.
brunch on the 25th? -- but this, for me, works better after opening gifts that morning. If we've stayed up really late on the 24th, who is going to want to be up and enjoying brunch?
having a turkey or ham for Christmas dinner? -- this just means spending money. I don't think there will be too many complaints, although one doesn't like pork, so ham would be a "problem" for her.
the advent wreath? -- I like this tradition, but really it just makes more work for me, when I don't have the support of others in the house to make it a family tradition.
handing the gifts out one by one instead of all at once? -- this one really is important to me, but I don't know that it has to be the "one thing" I insist upon.
Anyways, I have until next Sunday to decide. We don't like how the holiday season is starting off with household conflict (again). The point is to ENJOY being together, even though we will probably all be sad at some point or another that we are away from our families. The point is to remember that God gave up everything he deserved to be with us, because he loves us.
It happened like this: We arrived back to the house after the parent visit, at which we made plans for next month's year-end visit, Christmas party, and lunch. We were all in good spirits, and I said to Bibi that I wanted Christmas music, even though Thanksgiving isn't for another eleven days. So, she put it on and of course the topic of the holidays came up -- the decorations, the food, the outings to see the lights, opening presents. The older girls were in the room and we were all talking about Christmas, when I started feeling attacked or ridiculed for some things we did or didn't do last year. Like having a live tree that we cut down on the farm, which (for me) was very special but for the girls wasn't as pretty because it wasn't a perfect cone-shape (and, since we don't have a proper tree stand, it dried out, even though we tried to keep it watered). And the fact that we all decided (the girls included) to open presents on the morning of the 25th, for the sake of the little kids, when in Colombia the tradition is to open them at midnight on the 24th.
I didn't want to make a big fuss, but I knew that I needed to let them know how I was feeling, because I really can't spend the next month and a half with those looks and critical attitudes. Well, I ended up crying a little bit, which pretty much killed the jolly mood we had before (or maybe they killed the jollyness when they started being bratty).
Here's the thing: we are all away from our families for the holidays. And Christmas, most would agree, is first and foremost about spending time with family and loved ones. Bibi and I have decided to be here, have chosen to sacrifice our family holiday season for the sake of these kids, that they won't be alone. But they don't have a choice in the matter, which is quite sad. Apart from that, each family (not to mention national culture) has different holiday traditions that are important to them. In this "family," we represent three countries and five families. How do we combine those things to have an enjoyable and memorable Christmas season? Plus, these kids honestly don't have a "family culture of holiday traditions," because of their backgrounds (mostly: lack of resources), yet they complain that we don't have "good Christmas" here. And, I realized yesterday, in most families, the parents don't ASK the kids how they want to "do Christmas" -- the parents form the family culture and the kids grow up in that and adopt those traditions, until they move out on their own and adapt them. Yet another facet of being, but not being, a family
Yesterday I suggested that we each choose ONE THING (be it a meal, or some part of the decoration, or a certain activity) that we really want for Christmas to be special for us; that it be something that won't negatively affect the others; it isn't supposed to be a gift that we want for Christmas.
So now I have one week to decide what is going to be the most important thing for me, that I can reasonably hope and ask that we have or do.
a live tree? -- I don't want to deal with the complaining. Plus, part of what's special about the live tree for me is picking it out and decorating it together, and I think they will have bad attitudes. Maybe I'll just have a little one in my room, and we can decorate the artifical one for the house.
brunch on the 25th? -- but this, for me, works better after opening gifts that morning. If we've stayed up really late on the 24th, who is going to want to be up and enjoying brunch?
having a turkey or ham for Christmas dinner? -- this just means spending money. I don't think there will be too many complaints, although one doesn't like pork, so ham would be a "problem" for her.
the advent wreath? -- I like this tradition, but really it just makes more work for me, when I don't have the support of others in the house to make it a family tradition.
handing the gifts out one by one instead of all at once? -- this one really is important to me, but I don't know that it has to be the "one thing" I insist upon.
Anyways, I have until next Sunday to decide. We don't like how the holiday season is starting off with household conflict (again). The point is to ENJOY being together, even though we will probably all be sad at some point or another that we are away from our families. The point is to remember that God gave up everything he deserved to be with us, because he loves us.
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