Recently I have really been struggling in social settings where I am "the new one." I experience a lot of anxiety, inability to speak up even when I have something I would like to say, and feelings of being stupid, self-pity, and then self-deprecation.
What is up with all of this????
Is this something new? Or is it just that, before, I wasn't exposed to such situations as often?
As a kid, when I switched neighborhoods, churches, or schools I was with my brothers, or already knew at least person in the class. I was never ALONE in my newness.
When I went to college, and when I went to Chile for my DTS, all of the students were new, not just me!
When I came to Colombia long-term, I had already been once before so I knew a few people. All the same, it took me a while to get to know people before feeling comfortable to be myself, express my opinions, etc.
But the other week, when I went alone to a "young professionals" group at church, I felt mute when we were divided into small groups. When I left, I had to cry. If only I had been with a friend, I think it would've been way better!
Of course, I think that Spanish is a factor here. Yes, I am fluent, but I still feel self-conscious when I am surrounded by all native speakers, especially those who already know each other!
So, how do I get over this paralyzing fear? And what is the root? Do I need to know how it began to be able to overcome it?
Friday, July 29, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
The woman who is unmarried...
[How hard it is to fully place my trust and hope in God alone! Even when I make great strides in that direction, so soon I find myself looking to others to fill me up!]
Here's another book recommendation by Emily: Sacred Singleness, by Leslie Ludy.
I generally don't read "singles" books... but at the insistence of my friend Casia (a talented, witty, and beautiful 30-something single woman who is currently on a short-term missions trip to Uganda, with plans to go back long-term next year), I bought the book, and then I forced myself to open the book, and to read the book.
(It is really good.)
Over the past couple of weeks, this was part of what God used to speak to me about where my heart is, and to set me straight about where it should be -- to seek his glory above all, to trust him completely, and to receive every season in life as a gift and enjoy it accordingly!
"...the woman who is unmarried ...is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy..." (1 Cor. 7:34)
So when I find my mind drifting to doubt or discontentment, or hanging the weight of my soul on a 'false infinite' (looking to anything or anyone other than God to be my source of identity and worth)... I have to catch myself and redirect; to discipline my thoughts (as well as my tongue and my actions)!
If I could bring more glory to God by being married at this time, then I would be, right? So here's to taking advantage of this "season of singleness" (to use Ludy's words) as a time to draw closer to God in an intimate relationship, and to really form habits like intercessory prayer. These things can continue if I get married, but now is a really good time to establish them!
Here's another book recommendation by Emily: Sacred Singleness, by Leslie Ludy.
I generally don't read "singles" books... but at the insistence of my friend Casia (a talented, witty, and beautiful 30-something single woman who is currently on a short-term missions trip to Uganda, with plans to go back long-term next year), I bought the book, and then I forced myself to open the book, and to read the book.
(It is really good.)
Over the past couple of weeks, this was part of what God used to speak to me about where my heart is, and to set me straight about where it should be -- to seek his glory above all, to trust him completely, and to receive every season in life as a gift and enjoy it accordingly!
"...the woman who is unmarried ...is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy..." (1 Cor. 7:34)
So when I find my mind drifting to doubt or discontentment, or hanging the weight of my soul on a 'false infinite' (looking to anything or anyone other than God to be my source of identity and worth)... I have to catch myself and redirect; to discipline my thoughts (as well as my tongue and my actions)!
If I could bring more glory to God by being married at this time, then I would be, right? So here's to taking advantage of this "season of singleness" (to use Ludy's words) as a time to draw closer to God in an intimate relationship, and to really form habits like intercessory prayer. These things can continue if I get married, but now is a really good time to establish them!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
voluntary solitude
Yesterday I had a "getaway day." The plans I had been making for my weekend off fell apart as I experienced more sinus pain (I decided that going in a bus for about 9 hours up and down mountains would be excruciating). What I really needed and wanted was some time to get away from life and pray, to hear from God on some specific issues.
So I went up to the cabin, a tiny little house up the mountain from mine, and spent over 24 hours alone.
For those who know me well, you're probably wondering how on earth I managed! In college, when Mary came back tot he apartment after I had spent TWO hours alone, I would be so enthusiastic to have companionship again that I think I probably squelched any desire of hers to hang out with me! I'm not the kind of person who can be alone for extended periods of time.
All day Friday I was in Bogota, and came back up to the farm late. Bibi met me with the car, we loaded my stuff (food, water, books, guitar, art supplies) and she dropped me off at the cabin. I had freely chosen time alone, but when she left me I sobbed to God that I didn't want to be alone. Then, I slept.
All day Saturday, I was fine! I really enjoyed it, actually. I painted (don't like how it turned out, but I enjoyed the process, so it was worth it) I read, I prayed and journalled and read some more, I played guitar to begin and end my day... and I didn't feel lonely!
Today I was wondering about how that was possible. Is it that my life affords so little personal space and alone time that I have developed the need for extended periods of it?
Or is it that, as I cried out to Jesus in my solitude, he drew near and I was able to enjoy a day with him, instead of being swallowed up by loneliness and anxiety for human contact?
Either way (and maybe both) it was really great.
And about my questions and desires for the time with Jesus? On several topics, I feel like he pointed out how my views are skewed... and he lovingly set me straight.
I still couldn't be a hermit, and I still never want to live alone. But my "voluntary solitary confinement" wasn't bad at all!
So I went up to the cabin, a tiny little house up the mountain from mine, and spent over 24 hours alone.
For those who know me well, you're probably wondering how on earth I managed! In college, when Mary came back tot he apartment after I had spent TWO hours alone, I would be so enthusiastic to have companionship again that I think I probably squelched any desire of hers to hang out with me! I'm not the kind of person who can be alone for extended periods of time.
All day Friday I was in Bogota, and came back up to the farm late. Bibi met me with the car, we loaded my stuff (food, water, books, guitar, art supplies) and she dropped me off at the cabin. I had freely chosen time alone, but when she left me I sobbed to God that I didn't want to be alone. Then, I slept.
All day Saturday, I was fine! I really enjoyed it, actually. I painted (don't like how it turned out, but I enjoyed the process, so it was worth it) I read, I prayed and journalled and read some more, I played guitar to begin and end my day... and I didn't feel lonely!
Today I was wondering about how that was possible. Is it that my life affords so little personal space and alone time that I have developed the need for extended periods of it?
Or is it that, as I cried out to Jesus in my solitude, he drew near and I was able to enjoy a day with him, instead of being swallowed up by loneliness and anxiety for human contact?
Either way (and maybe both) it was really great.
And about my questions and desires for the time with Jesus? On several topics, I feel like he pointed out how my views are skewed... and he lovingly set me straight.
I still couldn't be a hermit, and I still never want to live alone. But my "voluntary solitary confinement" wasn't bad at all!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Father
Jeremiah 31:20
"Oh! Emily is my dear, dear daughter,
my child in whom I take pleasure!
Every time I mention her name,
my heart bursts with longing for her!
Everything in me cries out for her.
Softly and tenderly I wait for her."
GOD's Decree.
Insert your name here. Do it. Now, decide to believe it.
And declare it about your loved ones, your children.
After all that I've learned and am learning about the Father Heart of God,
I still find myself struggling to believe. I mean, YES, I believe that God is my Father, and the Father of the fatherless, the father of the children I love... but I was just confronted with the realization that have still been thinking-believing-living that an earthly father is more real than God-as-Father. That these children so desperately need an earthly father to make up for the Daddy-hole they have...
But I choose to believe that God is enough.
For me, for them, for you too.
I still believe that God's perfect plan includes good, earthly fathers for all of His children, but even the best Dad cannot fill everything his child needs. The Daddy-hole will still be here -- because we are souls, with bodies. We need to believe the reality of the spiritual and our necessity for more than the what the physical realm can supply.
Someday we won't be physical beings anymore; that part of us will die and decay and what remains will be spirit. Until then, we will continue to live in both worlds: our two feet firmly in the physical, and our spiritual feet firmly in that realm. But when our time on this earth ends... what will it be like? No more struggle to believe, no more living in the tension, no more doubting the Spirit's reality and relevance... Anybody got any scripture-enlightened thoughts on this?
"Oh! Emily is my dear, dear daughter,
my child in whom I take pleasure!
Every time I mention her name,
my heart bursts with longing for her!
Everything in me cries out for her.
Softly and tenderly I wait for her."
GOD's Decree.
Insert your name here. Do it. Now, decide to believe it.
And declare it about your loved ones, your children.
After all that I've learned and am learning about the Father Heart of God,
I still find myself struggling to believe. I mean, YES, I believe that God is my Father, and the Father of the fatherless, the father of the children I love... but I was just confronted with the realization that have still been thinking-believing-living that an earthly father is more real than God-as-Father. That these children so desperately need an earthly father to make up for the Daddy-hole they have...
But I choose to believe that God is enough.
For me, for them, for you too.
I still believe that God's perfect plan includes good, earthly fathers for all of His children, but even the best Dad cannot fill everything his child needs. The Daddy-hole will still be here -- because we are souls, with bodies. We need to believe the reality of the spiritual and our necessity for more than the what the physical realm can supply.
Someday we won't be physical beings anymore; that part of us will die and decay and what remains will be spirit. Until then, we will continue to live in both worlds: our two feet firmly in the physical, and our spiritual feet firmly in that realm. But when our time on this earth ends... what will it be like? No more struggle to believe, no more living in the tension, no more doubting the Spirit's reality and relevance... Anybody got any scripture-enlightened thoughts on this?
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Footracing Horses
Sad news: Toñeco died. I think I'll wait a while before maybe getting another kitten, unless one just shows up and needs a home.
Do you know the feeling of life being too much to handle? Like you don't know what you're supposed to do, or how to begin, or even if you're supposed to get involved, or how much?
Jesus says, in John 17:4, that he brought God glory by completing the work that God gave him to do. The whole point is bring glory to God. But knowing which tasks God gives us, and which are not ours to take on, is difficult.
He says in another place in the gospels that anyone who plans to build a structure will first sit down and count the costs and make sure that he has enough to pay to complete the project.
And in Jeremiah 12:5, God says, "If you're tired out by competing in a footrace, how will you run against horses?"
What's the work He's calling me to do?
Do I have what it takes? Can I pay the price?
How WILL I run against horses? (It cannot be done, outside of God's supernatural strength, like he gave to Elijah to outrun Ahab's chariot.)
I believe that everything that comes my way passes through God's hand, is permitted by him (even though this is hard to accept when I think of the horrible things that happen in this world). Also, I believe that God uses it all for my best interest -- to conform me more to Jesus' image. Thirdly, that God permits more than I can handle, so that I must become more dependent on Him.
Do you know the feeling of life being too much to handle? Like you don't know what you're supposed to do, or how to begin, or even if you're supposed to get involved, or how much?
Jesus says, in John 17:4, that he brought God glory by completing the work that God gave him to do. The whole point is bring glory to God. But knowing which tasks God gives us, and which are not ours to take on, is difficult.
He says in another place in the gospels that anyone who plans to build a structure will first sit down and count the costs and make sure that he has enough to pay to complete the project.
And in Jeremiah 12:5, God says, "If you're tired out by competing in a footrace, how will you run against horses?"
What's the work He's calling me to do?
Do I have what it takes? Can I pay the price?
How WILL I run against horses? (It cannot be done, outside of God's supernatural strength, like he gave to Elijah to outrun Ahab's chariot.)
I believe that everything that comes my way passes through God's hand, is permitted by him (even though this is hard to accept when I think of the horrible things that happen in this world). Also, I believe that God uses it all for my best interest -- to conform me more to Jesus' image. Thirdly, that God permits more than I can handle, so that I must become more dependent on Him.
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