and about that money...

Asking for money is always difficult, even if it's from someone who is "supposed" to give you money (e.g. your parents, when you're growing up; or your boss, for a raise). And I find it difficult to accept money that I don't feel like I've worked for. So raising support to go work in Colombia next a year has been an exercise in confronting my own stigmas and shifting the way I see money and merit.
When a work for a for-profit business (like a restaurant), or for the community college (which is government funded), I feel like I can do with my paycheck whatever I decide, because I worked for it! We signed a contract: I will work, the company will pay $X per hour, and we each hold up our end of the deal. Of course, I still have all kinds of ideas (both learned and instinctual, I think) about what I should do with said money, and that complicates the matter, turning it into a moral issue. But when I directly ASK my friends, family, and acquaintances, as well as the acquaintances of my friends, family or acquaintances for money, things get more awkward and tricky.
For example, how much do I allot myself per month if there's extra money? And what do I do with the extra? Don't people on the mission field put money into savings? But isn't there a difference between me going for a year and people who go for their entire lives? Well, maybe this extra money will be for an emergency... or maybe I can support a special project or another volunteer, in a pinch... What about when I want or need to get away for a little while? How much money can I use from my donations for that? Or should I use my own money for recreation?
I've already begun to work through some of the tentative answers to these questions, but all the thoughts are real, and they're there, and I feel like I have to be uber-responsible with this money that people with faces and names have parceled out to me. It doesn't come in the form of a check from the state treasury, signed by a person whose name I've never bothered to notice.

Also, there's the twist of "I don't like to receive money I don't feel I've earned, but I'm happy to give charitable donations to organizations who distribute it to 'the needy', and I occasionally give directly to individuals." Why do I think the recipients of my charity don't have the same feelings as I do? Why do I claim control in the situation? Do I strip their dignity by denying them a fair exchange? How can I change that system of unreciprocated charity? There is value in work, and receiving fair compensation for it. There is also value in cheerful donations to those in need.
Focusing in more on the previous post's quote, what about the fact that giving a donation (cheerful or obligatory) can feel like I've done my duty and can check "service to the poor and/or needy" off my list? In our currency-driven economy, money is necessary, but it's so much easier to replace love, compassion, personal contact and attention, with a donation. Or a cup of coffee. Or some change scrounged out from the bottom of my purse, in a hurried moment of interaction while I hold my breath and try to make sense of the babbling, wondering what is true and what is lie and what is mental illness? It doesn't get to the bottom. Can we ever "get to the bottom" of the problems? Are there any solutions?

It makes me think of the concept of "kingdom efficiency" again. That while God was on earth, he spent his good 'ministry years' hanging out with a rag-tag crew of people who didn't really understand what it was all about until after he died.

This morning I woke up remembering a time in high school where I made it quite evident to the entire student body how unloving and self-righteous I was. And I didn't even realize it. Sure, I was just 16, but I thought I had it together. The crazy thing is, until that moment this morning I had only been embarrassed by that memory on a personal level, not ashamed and repentant.
I guess what I'm getting at is: more love, less efficiency.
Money is necessary in our currency-driven economies. It's just one more thing to figure out how to use as an agent of love and service, and not to assume that I know what's best, or think that it exists to serve me.

micro-charity at home (and abroad?)

"The sad fact is, distant acts of macro-charity will always be easier. As much as we're told that money has its hold on society, time and empathy are the real commodities people are unwilling to part with. We're all for helping the broken and downtrodden, just not on our ride home after a long day. The life Jesus actually calls us to... is one that gets down in the muck of the human experience and live with the people there...
"While supporting global cuases is both necessary and noble, we can't be self-satisfied in our efforts if we ignore the hurting people around us... Am I being naive in believing we can make a difference locally without sacrificing our concern globally? ... will we take a risk to put a face to the problems we give lip service to?"
-Adam Smith, "Bus Stops and Missed Opportunities" Relevant Magazine, Nov-Dec 2008

You probably know that I'm often wondering about what I'll do after my year in Bogota. Will one year turn into two, a few, several, a life? Or will it be: one year? Will I go to another country, or return to my own? If I come back to live in the States, I wonder which one I'll go to, and what I'll do. Work? Study? Live in community? Live on a farm in exchange for my labor? Come back to Greensboro?
This is where that cry for FOCUS! comes back in, and article's like Smith's in Relevant this month make me question the practice of leaving our homelands to go work with people in other places. A note, though: the author is an American currently living in New Zealand. Maybe the "hurting people around us" really can be just whoever is around me, regardless of where I am? Maybe my location matters less than my actions? But as long as I'm here, I can't defer my "helping the broken and downtrodden", putting it off for February.

I already feel myself pulling back a bit here in Greensboro. I'm standing against it -- trying to stay connected and involved -- but there are some things that seem less important than they would if I were going to be staying around for more than just another month.
I love Greensboro, and it's been a great home, and it's been especially beautiful to me this year, knowing I'm leaving it. But there is definitely a part of me that thinks I won't be moving back to the Gate City. I can't say yet if I think I'll be moving back to N.C., or to the U.S. of A.
I'm thankful I don't have to know yet.

I'll try to reflect on the money aspect of that excerpt in another post.

"Merry Christmas, America! Who did we get?" and Empathy

"America has sent a good message to the world. ... Yesterday I received about ten phone calls from Ghana asking me if it was true, or if the media was lying to them." Was the U.S., in fact, electing an African-American as the head of state?
Talking politics with my Ghanain co-worker this season has been fun. Even though he won't become a citizen until next year and, therefore, couldn't vote, he's been one of the most enthusiastic followers of the campaigning. Every day I saw him at work he asked me if I'd heard the latest news, or if I'd watched the debate, or if I'd finally made up my mind. Once he even offered to make me some cream puffs if I would just make my decision (but I never got them...).

Driving home from work Tuesday night, I felt like it was Christmas Eve -- I'd go to bed and wake up to brightly-wrapped, red and blue results, brought to us all by voters, hard-working volunteers and news-broadcasters.
That morning, the community recreation center across from my house was transformed into a polling place, and the parking lot was full when I got up at 7:00 a.m. Walking around near my church later in the morning, inviting local business owners and employees to join us for a week of prayer for the city, was delightful. First, the receptionist next door to our rented space expressed gratitude for the invitation and concern for the election. "Are you all open for prayer today? I feel a real need for prayer this morning." The waiting taxi drivers down the block watched the news as Obama cast his vote, and asked who we'd voted for. Jovial and friendly, they took information about the times of open prayer. I hope to see some of them next week.

I want to feel joy with them, and concern for our country and world with Donna, too.

Is this similar to Paul's saying in 1 Corinthians 9, "Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings" ?
To empathize, to feel with others?