Dizzy, in a good way

God is coming at me from several directions lately, and I feel like I can't focus on any one thing. And I think that's good, although it's frustrating because I'm not able to think about several things at once.
Today I met with Marshall to talk about community outreach ideas in Greensboro and for my church, and he said that it's a really good thing that we have a lot of college students because (for one thing) young, single people with no children are often more willing or more able to take risks. It's so true. Feeling invincible has motivated me a lot of times, and on more than one occasion has gotten me into less-than-safe situations, but it's so wonderful to hear that God uses that!
When I think about the reality of Colombia, I realize there is some of that blind leaping going on. I will have communication problems, will make cultural errors, will feel lonely, discouraged, defeated, unable, and at some points unwilling, and yet... God is guiding me there and will meet me in that and continue to direct.
He is adding so many things to the pot and stirring it up. Some moments it feels dizzying. I'm exploring what it means to be human, and to live in that tension; what it means that I am caucasian, and American, and middle-class... and how those classifications affect me in relating to others; I'm trying to seek God's heart for the community I'm in now, and I'm also looking ahead to Colombia and realizing more and more and more that I really have no idea what I'm in for!
Why am I interested in community outreach here if I'm about to move to a different country? Why am I struggling through understanding the relationships between my physical self and my spiritual self right now (and why was that such a huge focus two weeks ago but now has subsided some)? Why am I interested in intentional communities and going to visit one in Durham this week if I'm not going to be doing that anytime soon? (Or am I? In Colombia? And what about after my lease is up here in Greensboro, but before I move to Bogota?) Where do I feel most drawn, and to what cultural communities?
In Being White, Doug Schaupp compares his experiences to baseball. Judging from his model, I'd say I'm at bat right now, and God is pitching a lot of ideas at me. Or maybe I'm on the way to first base, trying to figure out how to make it there. First base: Intentional displacement in response to the Gospel.

Normally, I would say that I'm trying to take on too much, but really I'm just reading a lot and putting out feelers to experiment and experience. It's really strange to not know where the "EmilyTrain" is heading, long term. To not have a general idea of what all of this will shape into. But it's exciting. Turn the heat up, Lord. And keep stirring, please.

a push-pin on the map to call my own!

Yes, hallelujah, I have finally received word from Formando Vidas in Colombia that they do want me to come work with them! I don't have any details yet on when exactly, or how much money I need to raise, or even which branch(es) of their organization I will work with, but it's exciting to see something that's been brewing for a year begin to bear some fruit (mixed metaphors, I know).

Where does this put me with all these other ideas and thoughts that I began coming up with during my wait and worries that I would not be accepted? What about that last post you wrote, Emily?
I don't know.

I will be here for at least six more months though (probably more like 8-10), and I don't want to retreat yet! A few gears are slowly beginning to turn, and I'm excited to see what they'll turn into, while I'm here and after I leave.
...and then when I return again?
(Note: I have absolutely NO idea what my future will be like, in spite of my tireless efforts to decipher it.)

Glory to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.

when did that chrysalis open?

Not that I'm all butterfly, by any means, but a little caterpillar-y part of me has changed within the last year--definitely over the last 4 years--and I just realized it last night!
When I came to Greensboro, I was excited to be out on my own and out of my small town into "the city". Nevertheless, my recollection is that I maintained the belief that I would definitely return to a smaller town, or even the country, and that I was not interested in moving into a city in a more permanent way, especially when I got ready to buy a house and start popping out babies.
I remember thinking that the ministry of people who intentionally moved into inner-city, low-income, predominately-minority neighborhoods was interesting, but that it would never be for me, because I didn't feel led in that direction. Even in December 2006, only a little over a year ago, when I went to the Urbana missions conference, I didn't attend any of the urban ministry seminars they offerred because I didn't think I'd ever get into that niche.
But lately, I've been considering it. I'm not sure what the future holds, obviously, but my heart as been growing for reconciliation between races and socio-economic classes here in my divided city, and I find myself desiring to expand my ventures into the world on the other side of the tracks... into a neighborhood that is literally a five-minute walk from my house.

O struggler, hope in the LORD, now and always

Jacob was blessed because he didn't stop wrestling with the divine being who appeared to him. He was given a new name: instead of Jacob, "he grasps the heel" (figuratively, "deceiver"), he became Israel, "he struggles with God". And he was given a blessing. The next day he went with humility and assurance of God's faithfulness to meet his brother, uncertain of the outcome. (Genesis 25 and 32-33)
This whole Jacob-and-Esau section of history has always been fascinating to me.

Will I hold on to God until dawn and receive His blessing? Will I continue to wrestle through the tough issues that come up, or just ignore them for being too difficult? Will I continue to 'work out my salvation with fear and trembling'? (Philippians 2:12)

Money-spending, -saving, and -investing. Political decisions and actions. Familial and non-familial relations. Relocation? Intentional displacement? Community involvment? How much? How? What? Where?
Personal harmony? Reconciling my physical and spiritual aspects, or at least claiming them both, without sacrificing either...
I can read and think and journal and talk about these struggles ad nauseum, but there's only so much I can do on my own. I guess I just have to hold on and wait until daybreak; to wait to be blessed with better understanding my roles and my callings, myself and my God.