family reunion!

First off, sorry I've been rubbish at the whole blogging thing for the last month! I hope you still like me. :)

So, I got to come home to beautiful North Carolina for 10 days! (I leave tomorrow to go home to beautiful Colombia.) Motive for the trip: My cousin, Jeanne's wedding. Jeanne Kearney Moore is my closest cousin in age, less than a year older than me. She's a beautiful woman with a sweet spirit, and I was so thrilled to be able to celebrate with her and her beloved, Joseph (Jody) Moore. Jeanne is from my mom's side of the family, which is the big side of the family. There are 6 children, 20 first cousins, and 12 (or more?) great-grandchildren. Not everyone could go, but a large majority of the family was present, including folks I hadn't seen for more than three years!

(Beth, Marjory, Iris, Miriam, Jeanne, and Emily)


I also had a lot of quality time with my parents, brothers, sisters-in-law, niece and nephew, and paternal grandparents.

(Emily and Finley)

(Candice, Emily with Abel, and Ryan)


It has been a great time, a time of rest and enjoying the company of others. I'm really grateful to be here!

childish

When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a [woman], I put childish ways behind me.
(1 corinthians 13:11)


I think that I may have found my verse for the year. Lord willing, (and the Bible tells us that He is the one who gives us the desire and the ability to act -- see Philippians 2:12-13 below) this year will be one in which I will take bold steps of faith into growing up the childish patterns of speech, thoughts, and reasoning -- all of which lead to actions -- that have been cropping up more and more of late.
As 1 Cor 13:11 will be my mantra (written on my mirror in dry-erase marker as of today), the Israelites' taking of the Promised Land will be my point of reference and my reassurance of God's faithfulness. In Numbers 13 and 14, the people of God choose fear instead of faith and courage. God tells them to get up and go capture the land he is giving them, but they think it's impossible to beat the fearsome giants that inhabit the place. (Note: The result of their disobedience, that decision to disbelieve Him, were 40 years of wandering until the whole generation died out.)
But the trick is this: God was going with them! He already had the victory over those literal giants, and he already has the victory over my emotional and spiritual giants today! So, if he's inviting me to go up and fight against them, I'm in!

Later, in the book of Joshua, the Israelites chose to believe and act upon that faith. The result was that they defeated the cities and people groups exactly as God said they would, when they followed his instructions to a T. This year, I don't know what the strategy is, I don't know what He'll ask of me, but I know that I choose to believe, because my God is Bigger!


"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Phil. 2:12-13

twenty-twelve

Another new year!

I'm pleased to say that I am becoming more of a "new years" person... I was able to enjoy a nice dinner with "family" and friends here in Colombia, and I didn't give in to the urge to sleep at ten o'clock. The night was gorgeous, with a clear, starry sky that we enjoyed looking at as we all stood around a bonfire talking, laughing, and praying for the new things that God has for the coming year.

There are Big Things on the horizon for 2012, friends. I'm still not sure what that will look like, but it's exciting, and I want to continue learning to live in the present and enjoy each moment.

In sad news, another kitten died. She got really sick with diarreah and her eyes were all gunky. After several days like that, she couldn't make it anymore! I took the remaining two to the vet today, where I bought some eye drops and got them de-parasited. Hopefully that will help their immune system get stronger and they will be able to grow big and healthy! (And hopefully their adoptive families will receive them SOON, because I'm tired of all the mess in the laundry room, and I want my cat back to normal again!)

I don't feel like I have much to write, honestly... is this some sort of writer's block? Patience, perseverance, living each day... is this part of the new "season" I've entered, where the changes are less dramatic? Even though I see big changes on the horizon, I think it may be a slow dawn, taking her time to revel in shades of gray and pale gold. May I (and you) learn to revel in the first light as well.

seasons

Since February of 2009, when I moved to Bogota, I have missed the Seasons more than many other things in North Carolina. The changing weather -- from a wet, bone-deep chill to start off the year, in NC the daffodils, forsythia, quince, and the dogwoods' white blossoms appear to lighten the naked forest. After that, the trees bud into leaves, and those leaves deepen their green as the springy dampness evaporates and hangs, dense, in the air. After breathing 98% humidity during those summer months, the leaves begin to fade from vibrant green to gold, bronze, leather, pumpkin, and crimson hues. The air changes, abandons that heavy feel for crisp freshness and the excitement of autumnal expectation. The forest loses half her cloak as the deciduous sisters fall asleep. There may be snow - or just freezing rain - coating branches and stopping vehicles. We spend time inside, ideally by a fireplace; our diet changes too, from fresh produce to stews and hot drinks.

Yet, as other Carolinians breathe in the changes every few months, I live in a static, 12-month season. The Rolos (Bogota natives) say that here you can get all four seasons in one day. While it's true that the weather changes suddenly from hot and sunny to chilly and rainy, or anything in between, the air quality and the flora stay consistent. I miss my seasons.

As we close out 2011, I am naturally thinking of what 2012 will bring: what to expect, what to plan, what to attempt.
I expect and plan to continue in Kiwi House, with Formando Vidas. I find myself wondering if I should (watch out for that sense of obligation!) change anything, implement something new, set new goals with the kids or carry out new projects. Surely something should be different? Am I okay if not? Does God approve of what I'm doing, or doesn't he want something different?

Why am I feeling this pressure to change something?
The answer, I believe, lies in SEASONS.

I realized, today, that I may be entering into a new season of life, and that's why I feel a little unsettled.
From 1990 to 2003 (13 years!), I lived in the seasons of school - every year there was a new grade level, new classes, and new friends.
From then until 2007 (4 years), I changed even more frequently -- every six months there were new college classes, and every year I moved in and out of a dorm or an apartment.
For almost 2 years after that, I continued moving residences, as I worked two jobs. My main job was at a community college, which meant that three times a year I changed classes and students, experiencing the varying challenges of teaching and also of waiting tables!
Then, I came to Colombia for 1 year. (Intentionally understated, because that involved too many changes for a blog post dedicated to another topic!)
After my first year here, I went to do a DTS with YWAM -- a 6 month commitment that involved more moves and new people and challenges.
Now, I've been back for almost 1 1/2 years here, and I think I am so accustomed to yearly (or more frequent) changes that it has almost become a neccesity!

A friend of mine wrote me the other day, in a way that really encouraged me, as I was experiencing this doubt or unsettled feeling of needing to change something, yet not seeing what it could be.

...God has put that passion in your heart for [the kids]; He has filled you with an extraordinary love. Don't get discouraged if others don't have the same passion that you do... sometimes the dreams that God gives us are so strong that we can only understand them in our souls.
God has seen your perseverance; don't grow faint. You have planted, invested in the Kingdom of Heaven and I know that that seed will produce eternal fruit. You have been God's hands in the lives of each one of them: hands that give love, hands that accompany, hands that build lives and don't tear them down. Emily, I keep praying for your life, that nobody and nothing will take you out of God's purposes for you...

What words of encouragement and blessing! She didn't know that I was questioning the coming year, and what it SHOULD look like, yet she told me to "keep on keeping on."

I will press on, although I do not know what the future will be like, nor what it "should" be like. God has not directed me anywhere other than Kiwi House, Formando Vidas, Colombia. This new "season" calls for Perseverance Beyond the Short-Term.

Kittens!

TabbyCat gave birth to these little creatures on November 20th.

They're pretty cute, even if they do resemble small rats. We think there are two girls and two boys, based on comparing the calico's "intimate parts" with the others (since calico cats are always female). I have two (maybe three) homes for kittens so far.

She's a good mommy cat, but is getting restless of being enclosed so much. We mostly have her shut into the laundry room because every time she comes out into the main part of the house, one of the first things she does is jump up on the table and countertops and eat whatever food she finds there. (She's eating a ton anyways... I suppose that producing milk for four growing "rats" will give you quite an appetite!)
She's also pooping way more than normal, and has some serious diarrea, and apparent sphincter-control problems (translation: drops of poo all over the laundry room floor and wall, not just in her box). Does anyone know if this is normal for post-partum mammals? (Feel free to share your own experience, ha ha.)
I don't want her to be outside much, because she can actually go into heat and get preggo again before the kittens are weaned and adopted out! After they're gone, I think she will become an almost-exclusively outdoor kitty, just coming in at night to get some attention and warmth (who am I kidding... my house has no heating).

Tabby has started bringing the babies out for some quality time. It's weird. She brings them out one by one to sit in her favorite chair while they do what they do best: drink milk and sleep. This picture is from the first time she did it, and surprised me and Bibi when she showed up with the runt in her mouth.

Trust me! (but not too much)

I believe that we each have our personal "recurring themes" in life, and with God. I don't know what yours are. One of mine is "trust others - but not too much."

No one is an island, a fact that I readily accept -- I'm a rather social creature -- and yet I struggle in certain aspects of really trusting others. (don't we all?) This includes God. Even though, looking over the course of my 26 years, I can see that my Creator has been faithful, more often than not I have to consciously remind myself to TRUST HIM!
So, as He invites me again, and again, and again, and again ("to infinity and beyond!" grin the little boy's Buzz Lightyear slippers cast aside on the floor) to put my hope in him alone, to not rely on human beings nor place my confidence in their plans, I get to choose in whom I will place my trust: myself, others, or God?
The problem has been that I am too trusting, actually. And not in simple matters of believing what someone says, or being a casual friend – my grave tendency has been to put my trust in a human being in the deepest sense of the word, in the sense that the psalms use with the words "hope, trust, confide, wait." I have all too often given others a place that only God can (and should) hold. The result is disastrous, and yet my temptation is always to do it again!

I have struggled against this for so long, in fact, that now I am actually starting to learn to stop it earlier and not let it run its full course! While this is great news, it means that now deeper friendships get more complicated from the beginning! How do I keep myself in check, and keep friendships in balance? I know that God always wants first place, and deserves it; it is His. But how do I know when He is actually inviting me to open up to someone new? And how do I keep the balance of: God in that deep place of "trust, hope, wait," and friends on a different level? Especially when it is a friendship that I feel that God is bringing along...
And, on the flip side: as difficult as it is to 'hang the weight of my soul' on the One who has never let me down, how am I supposed to really trust another human being, when every one of them has the potential to hurt me?! [Just as I am extremely adept at injuring others, whether unintentionally or not! Yet, I love me!, and expect the understanding and forgiveness that I "deserve"!]

So, here are some verses that He's brought to mind as I'm processing this stuff:

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Psalm 62:2 "Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." (See also: Psalms 130 and 131)

Isaiah 33:6 "He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure."

Based on these scriptures, and my experiences with God, I feel that these are His invitations to me in this area:
1. Believe, and receive, His love.
2. Choose, daily, to cling to the Unshakeable Rock, and to none other, as my source and the one who is always trustworthy.
3. Walk in the fear of the Lord -- respecting and honoring Him above all other desires or ideas -- and let Him perfect me in love as He teaches me to trust others.

Holiday moods

Yesterday I decided to break my own rules and start listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving. Some would argue that I actually listen to Christmas music year-round, but I generally try to restrain myself (the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack is technically jazz, and is great background music).
It happened like this: We arrived back to the house after the parent visit, at which we made plans for next month's year-end visit, Christmas party, and lunch. We were all in good spirits, and I said to Bibi that I wanted Christmas music, even though Thanksgiving isn't for another eleven days. So, she put it on and of course the topic of the holidays came up -- the decorations, the food, the outings to see the lights, opening presents. The older girls were in the room and we were all talking about Christmas, when I started feeling attacked or ridiculed for some things we did or didn't do last year. Like having a live tree that we cut down on the farm, which (for me) was very special but for the girls wasn't as pretty because it wasn't a perfect cone-shape (and, since we don't have a proper tree stand, it dried out, even though we tried to keep it watered). And the fact that we all decided (the girls included) to open presents on the morning of the 25th, for the sake of the little kids, when in Colombia the tradition is to open them at midnight on the 24th.
I didn't want to make a big fuss, but I knew that I needed to let them know how I was feeling, because I really can't spend the next month and a half with those looks and critical attitudes. Well, I ended up crying a little bit, which pretty much killed the jolly mood we had before (or maybe they killed the jollyness when they started being bratty).

Here's the thing: we are all away from our families for the holidays. And Christmas, most would agree, is first and foremost about spending time with family and loved ones. Bibi and I have decided to be here, have chosen to sacrifice our family holiday season for the sake of these kids, that they won't be alone. But they don't have a choice in the matter, which is quite sad. Apart from that, each family (not to mention national culture) has different holiday traditions that are important to them. In this "family," we represent three countries and five families. How do we combine those things to have an enjoyable and memorable Christmas season? Plus, these kids honestly don't have a "family culture of holiday traditions," because of their backgrounds (mostly: lack of resources), yet they complain that we don't have "good Christmas" here. And, I realized yesterday, in most families, the parents don't ASK the kids how they want to "do Christmas" -- the parents form the family culture and the kids grow up in that and adopt those traditions, until they move out on their own and adapt them. Yet another facet of being, but not being, a family

Yesterday I suggested that we each choose ONE THING (be it a meal, or some part of the decoration, or a certain activity) that we really want for Christmas to be special for us; that it be something that won't negatively affect the others; it isn't supposed to be a gift that we want for Christmas.
So now I have one week to decide what is going to be the most important thing for me, that I can reasonably hope and ask that we have or do.

a live tree? -- I don't want to deal with the complaining. Plus, part of what's special about the live tree for me is picking it out and decorating it together, and I think they will have bad attitudes. Maybe I'll just have a little one in my room, and we can decorate the artifical one for the house.

brunch on the 25th? -- but this, for me, works better after opening gifts that morning. If we've stayed up really late on the 24th, who is going to want to be up and enjoying brunch?

having a turkey or ham for Christmas dinner? -- this just means spending money. I don't think there will be too many complaints, although one doesn't like pork, so ham would be a "problem" for her.

the advent wreath? -- I like this tradition, but really it just makes more work for me, when I don't have the support of others in the house to make it a family tradition.

handing the gifts out one by one instead of all at once? -- this one really is important to me, but I don't know that it has to be the "one thing" I insist upon.


Anyways, I have until next Sunday to decide. We don't like how the holiday season is starting off with household conflict (again). The point is to ENJOY being together, even though we will probably all be sad at some point or another that we are away from our families. The point is to remember that God gave up everything he deserved to be with us, because he loves us.