It's all upside-down.

It’s been waaay too long since I’ve updated! I had a two-week vacation from work, during which time I moved, took part in the wedding of one of my very best friends, and tried to catch up on support raising tasks. Which, by the by, is going really well! I have about 40% of my $9,500 raised so far, and each time another check comes in I am amazed by God’s provision. I feel so blessed, and not in the cheesy way, but really honestly because there’s nothing I’ve done to deserve this generosity.
And the success of my fundraising so far is a huge encouragement that this plan is not of my own invention, but rather that it is God-inspired and guided. That doesn’t dispel all my insecurities though.
Over the past couple of days I’ve been revisited by thoughts that I’m crazy to be doing this. Why on earth would I presume to go to Colombia to try to bring about lasting change in the lives of neglected and abandoned kids?! What qualifies me to do that? How could I, who had a nearly storybook dream of a childhood and adolescence, possibly be of any use to those children who have experienced so much hurt and hate?! Why do I think God is calling me to this? Is this a joke? Have I misinterpreted my feelings and motivations? Will I get down there only to realize I’ve made a huge mistake, I can’t do it after all, and now I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life?

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
That’s the verse I’m hanging on to, and the growing understanding that God’s ways and wisdom seem foolishness to human thinking (1 Corinthians 1:19-25). That the ultimate picture of power is a slain lamb (Revelation 5). …that it’s all upside-down.

Over breakfast with some friends this morning I expressed these thoughts and L. said I have a great capacity to love. Which I believe is true. And when those thoughts come creeping up, I just have to trust that somehow my whole and happy childhood has preserved my heart to be able to soak up the broken ones’ pain and to dish out love in return. That, even though I can’t relate to abuses and abandonment in the very visceral sense that others can, I offer up my weaknesses and my strengths together and trust that my willingness to go and be is all that is required.