i can't.

I can’t do everything that I want to do. No puedo hacer todo lo que quiero hacer.
It had nothing to do with the cake, this hiding in the bathroom and crying. It was about doing, and feeling unable to keep up. About not being self-sufficient. About needing more than a week to get back into the swing of things, plus the extra work from my new responsibilities. The fact that someone else had done something I planned to do, something I was capable of (cut the cake I brought to share at the meeting) just triggered the tears. I don’t like depending on others, but we’re called to live in community. Self-sufficiency is NOT a kingdom quality.

I want to really help, to really work, to really do all that I’m expected to. One problem there: I’ve been trying to do more than what I’m expected to, what I’ve been asked to do so far. All my life, I’ve struggled with others’ expectations. Problem: Those very “expectations” are usually what I imagine others are thinking, and can be way off-base. So, the stress I feel from others’ expectations is actually something I bring upon myself. It seems like I can’t meet my own expectations. They don’t expect me to be all of the kids’ favorite, or to do everything and never need help, or to remember everything, or to be able to keep the house immaculate.

And then, let’s get to (one) root of this problem: I’m called to BE first, and later, to DO… the stress comes into play when I get that turned around and focus on all that I have to do.

So I sat on the floor, wanting to run away, feeling like a failure because I can’t do all that others do; I can’t even do all that I did seven months ago. Crying from the frustration, from the self-condemnation, from the lies that I’m not good enough. Crying until I got to the point of saying, “I just need to BE for a while… just let me BE with You.” Until I could hear the truth that God brought me here so I’m good enough. Not because of what I can do, not because of what I know, but because He wants me here. And he wants me with Him. He just wants me to BE with Him. That, I can do. His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. So I will boast in my weakness, and boast in Christ, to His glory.

The next day? We walked all the way to L.’s school for a parent-teacher conference only to find that the teacher had left by the time we got there. When we arrived at the house, the washing machine water had spilled onto the floor, the toddler was crying, and the strong sun we’d had all morning long, that was going to dry the clothes I was washing, disappeared behind rain clouds for the rest of the day.

Oh well! Time to read, to pray, to play guitar, to cook, to clean, to be together with the kids. Time to be. There is a time for everything.