It's the little things that are overwhelming me, that seem like enormous failures, that I feel unable to do anything about:
A trash bag torn open by dogs and strewed all over the driveway.
A phone call from a little girl's preschool to tell me that she still has lice (even after we keep treating her), and that it's unacceptable and we really have to do something about it.
Lights left on by the kids on my day off.
Finding that jobs are only partially done when I'm told they've been completed.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Footracing Horses, pt. 2
Bibiana is on vacation for six weeks. Five weeks to go...
I'm glad for her, but I never wanted her to leave. I found myself sad, nervous, scared, unsure, at the prospect of taking care of these children and this house on my own.
A friend suggested I re-read the book of Numbers, the account of Israel's wandering in the wilderness. He told me that the desert doesn't only represent difficulty, but that it is the place where they experienced God's presence and holiness and provision. That my own desert wandering, during these six weeks, could be the same.
If you've kept up with my blog, maybe you remember the post a couple months ago, in which I wrote about Jeremiah 12:5. "So, Jeremiah, if you're worn out in this footrace with men, what makes you think you can race against horses? And if you can't keep your wits during times of calm, what's going to happen when troubles break loose like the Jordan in flood?" (The Message)
Bibiana left on a Wednesday morning, right before the kids walked out the door for school, while they were still eating breakfast. After they were all gone and I was alone with a cup of coffee, the morning view of the valley, and God, I asked him if he was going to teach me to run with the horses now. A fellow missionary told me that I need a picture of some horses galloping to remind me of this.
--"What, with me running like crazy after them, trying to catch them? Oh, and I should put the kids' faces over the horses'!"
--"Just so long as you're not running ahead of them, about to get trampled down!"
--"I think it's more likely that I would be hiding behind a bush in the fetal position, letting them run on by."
Because that's my standard reaction: shut down, block it out.
My friend sent me another passage, Isaiah 54:2-3
“Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities."
Here, according to the person who sent me the verse, I was supposed to feel that I'm not alone. Instead, I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to not shut down, withdraw, block out. In fact, to do the opposite: to open up, to live fully, not on half-power.
But how? How does one keep up with horses? How do I strengthen my stakes and lengthen my cords when I feel like my resources are running low?
How have others done the impossible in the past?
In the book of Numbers, Moses has the ridiculously, impossibly difficult task of leading the unruly and incredulous People of God. Time and time again, when the people rebel, when they complain, when there seems to be no way out, this is the response: "Moses and Aaron fell facedown and cried out, “O God!" What strikes me about this is that these were the big guys, yet they didn't dare try to resolve the issues on their own. They realized their complete dependence on God and their utter incapability apart from him.
When I am pushed to the breaking point, this is not my natural reaction. I daresay it was not Moses and Aaron's natural reaction either, but they learned through trial and error that it was the only way. At Sinai, Aaron gave in to the people and made a golden calf for them to worship. Moses broke the stone tablets that God himself had written. They screwed up. But they moved on, and they became more dependent on God.
From that same post near the beginning of July:
"I believe that everything that comes my way passes through God's hand, is permitted by him (even though this is hard to accept when I think of the horrible things that happen in this world). Also, I believe that God uses it all for my best interest -- to conform me more to Jesus' image. Thirdly, that God permits more than I can handle, so that I must become more dependent on Him."
Dependency... when Bibi is here she covers my weaknesses at times. it's uncomfortable to have to go it alone, exposing myself and feeling like I have no one to keep me in check or support me. But maybe her absence is an invitation to let God work on those weaknesses and faults. A wilderness where I confront my errors, which I am incapable of redeeming, and let the Holy, Present One make me into something new.
"The power of the LORD came on Elijah and, tucking his cloak into his belt, he ran ahead of Ahab [and his horse-drawn chariot] all the way to Jezreel." (1 Kings 18:44-46)
I'm glad for her, but I never wanted her to leave. I found myself sad, nervous, scared, unsure, at the prospect of taking care of these children and this house on my own.
A friend suggested I re-read the book of Numbers, the account of Israel's wandering in the wilderness. He told me that the desert doesn't only represent difficulty, but that it is the place where they experienced God's presence and holiness and provision. That my own desert wandering, during these six weeks, could be the same.
If you've kept up with my blog, maybe you remember the post a couple months ago, in which I wrote about Jeremiah 12:5. "So, Jeremiah, if you're worn out in this footrace with men, what makes you think you can race against horses? And if you can't keep your wits during times of calm, what's going to happen when troubles break loose like the Jordan in flood?" (The Message)
Bibiana left on a Wednesday morning, right before the kids walked out the door for school, while they were still eating breakfast. After they were all gone and I was alone with a cup of coffee, the morning view of the valley, and God, I asked him if he was going to teach me to run with the horses now. A fellow missionary told me that I need a picture of some horses galloping to remind me of this.
--"What, with me running like crazy after them, trying to catch them? Oh, and I should put the kids' faces over the horses'!"
--"Just so long as you're not running ahead of them, about to get trampled down!"
--"I think it's more likely that I would be hiding behind a bush in the fetal position, letting them run on by."
Because that's my standard reaction: shut down, block it out.
My friend sent me another passage, Isaiah 54:2-3
“Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities."
Here, according to the person who sent me the verse, I was supposed to feel that I'm not alone. Instead, I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to not shut down, withdraw, block out. In fact, to do the opposite: to open up, to live fully, not on half-power.
But how? How does one keep up with horses? How do I strengthen my stakes and lengthen my cords when I feel like my resources are running low?
How have others done the impossible in the past?
In the book of Numbers, Moses has the ridiculously, impossibly difficult task of leading the unruly and incredulous People of God. Time and time again, when the people rebel, when they complain, when there seems to be no way out, this is the response: "Moses and Aaron fell facedown and cried out, “O God!" What strikes me about this is that these were the big guys, yet they didn't dare try to resolve the issues on their own. They realized their complete dependence on God and their utter incapability apart from him.
When I am pushed to the breaking point, this is not my natural reaction. I daresay it was not Moses and Aaron's natural reaction either, but they learned through trial and error that it was the only way. At Sinai, Aaron gave in to the people and made a golden calf for them to worship. Moses broke the stone tablets that God himself had written. They screwed up. But they moved on, and they became more dependent on God.
From that same post near the beginning of July:
"I believe that everything that comes my way passes through God's hand, is permitted by him (even though this is hard to accept when I think of the horrible things that happen in this world). Also, I believe that God uses it all for my best interest -- to conform me more to Jesus' image. Thirdly, that God permits more than I can handle, so that I must become more dependent on Him."
Dependency... when Bibi is here she covers my weaknesses at times. it's uncomfortable to have to go it alone, exposing myself and feeling like I have no one to keep me in check or support me. But maybe her absence is an invitation to let God work on those weaknesses and faults. A wilderness where I confront my errors, which I am incapable of redeeming, and let the Holy, Present One make me into something new.
"The power of the LORD came on Elijah and, tucking his cloak into his belt, he ran ahead of Ahab [and his horse-drawn chariot] all the way to Jezreel." (1 Kings 18:44-46)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
pets
Introducing the newest animal member of the Kiwi Household: Tabbycat!
We picked her up Sunday after church. So far she is adapting very well, is very curious and friendly and not too mischeivous.
Yesterday I decided to take her to get her vaccines, so I found a large shoe box, lined it with newspaper, put her in and used masking tape to secure the lid.
Negra, our dog, also needed some medical attention, due to the mysterious swelling of her face on Saturday and then the breakout or scratched-off skin on her snout Sunday and Monday. I attempted to cross-tie her in the back of the Nissan Patrol, put Tabbycat's box on the front floorboard, and we were off down the bumpy dirt road. (Oh, this was after I had to break into my own house, climbing through the small bathroom window, since I left my keys inside.)
Negra's leash clasp is damaged, so she soon freed herself and proceeded to stick her disgusting snout uncomfortably close to me while I was driving. The cat in the box behaved well. We arrived to Veterniaria El Oso and Negra pulled me through the door. It turned out to be some sort of allergic reaction, either to bee sting or some stinging plant that grows around here. The vet treated her and sold me some medicine and cream for her nose, as well as a new collar and leash.
One pet down, the other to go. I finally got Negra back in the car, lifting all 26.6 kilos of her (over 50 lbs) into the back of the car. Then I went to the front to carry in Tabbycat, who by this point was going crazy in the confined space of the shoebox. After they gave her her shots I put her back in the box, which she did not like one bit. She started clawing and biting at the cardboard and trying to stick her head out of the side. By this point the masking tape was getting a little worn and had lost much of its adhesive power, but I didn't bother to put on anymore.
Bad idea.
As I turned on the car and started down the road, TabbyCat emerged from the box. I tried to shoo her away, even stopped the car to put her back inside, but nothing worked! So I suddenly had a loose dog and a loose cat in the car, while driving along a curvy mountain road!
These animals did not know each other yet, and I wasn't sure how they would react. For a while I held the cat still against my abdomen with one arm, driving with the other hand. When she squirmed free she began to look for a way to get into the back of the car, where Negra was loose, looking out the window!
Thankfully it's a short drive, only about five minutes, because that was some intense, and strange stress! The good thing was that it was a stress utterly different to that which I'm used to, so it wasn't horrible!
We picked her up Sunday after church. So far she is adapting very well, is very curious and friendly and not too mischeivous.
Yesterday I decided to take her to get her vaccines, so I found a large shoe box, lined it with newspaper, put her in and used masking tape to secure the lid.
Negra, our dog, also needed some medical attention, due to the mysterious swelling of her face on Saturday and then the breakout or scratched-off skin on her snout Sunday and Monday. I attempted to cross-tie her in the back of the Nissan Patrol, put Tabbycat's box on the front floorboard, and we were off down the bumpy dirt road. (Oh, this was after I had to break into my own house, climbing through the small bathroom window, since I left my keys inside.)
Negra's leash clasp is damaged, so she soon freed herself and proceeded to stick her disgusting snout uncomfortably close to me while I was driving. The cat in the box behaved well. We arrived to Veterniaria El Oso and Negra pulled me through the door. It turned out to be some sort of allergic reaction, either to bee sting or some stinging plant that grows around here. The vet treated her and sold me some medicine and cream for her nose, as well as a new collar and leash.
One pet down, the other to go. I finally got Negra back in the car, lifting all 26.6 kilos of her (over 50 lbs) into the back of the car. Then I went to the front to carry in Tabbycat, who by this point was going crazy in the confined space of the shoebox. After they gave her her shots I put her back in the box, which she did not like one bit. She started clawing and biting at the cardboard and trying to stick her head out of the side. By this point the masking tape was getting a little worn and had lost much of its adhesive power, but I didn't bother to put on anymore.
Bad idea.
As I turned on the car and started down the road, TabbyCat emerged from the box. I tried to shoo her away, even stopped the car to put her back inside, but nothing worked! So I suddenly had a loose dog and a loose cat in the car, while driving along a curvy mountain road!
These animals did not know each other yet, and I wasn't sure how they would react. For a while I held the cat still against my abdomen with one arm, driving with the other hand. When she squirmed free she began to look for a way to get into the back of the car, where Negra was loose, looking out the window!
Thankfully it's a short drive, only about five minutes, because that was some intense, and strange stress! The good thing was that it was a stress utterly different to that which I'm used to, so it wasn't horrible!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
more delightful surprises
Today I had an appointment with the otorrinolaringologo. That is how you say ENT (ear, nose, and throat doctor) in spanish. Wow, enough learning for one day!
Anyways, that went well... hopefully I won't have to have sinus surgery anytime soon, but there's always that possiblity. But that wasn't the delightful surprise. Nor was it delightful (although it was a surprise) that the computer system fell right as I was finishing up and therefore they weren't able to print off my prescription and order to get another x-ray.
After waiting in lines of people with the same problem, and watching the poor receptionist get more and more distressed, I decided to go out for a while and hope that the system came back up while I was gone. So I started walking along Avenida 19, which is lined with brick sidewalks and evenly-spaced maple trees, expensive car dealerships, kitchenware stores, and spas. I was thinking about getting my nails done, but didn't want to pay the prices of the high-end salons around there, so kept walking until I saw a promising side street.
Halfway up that block, the ornate facade of Jacques' tea room juts out. It is... luxurious... and cute... and inviting. Above and a bit behind the facade, enormous brass letters read "JESUS." Jazz music drifts out from the glassed-in front sitting area. I walk in and immediately like the place. Small tables, walls lined with Mucha prints so close together that their frames are nearly touching... a little further in there is beautiful bread, scrumptious pastries, heavenly merengues, and red velvet carpet going up some stairs to another sitting area.
I stop, in awe of the delectable sight.
Then continue upstairs and choose a seat at the counter, where I can take it all in. A kind-faced, gray-haired man is at the other end of the dark wooden counter. He asks if I wouldn't like to sit at a table. No, I prefer to look down at the rest of the tea room. He has an accent. I ask where he is from. France. He is Jacques, the owner of the establishment. I am from the U.S. His colombian wife studied in Charleston, South Carolina. I'm from North Carolina! I meet his wife. They find out I'm a missionary. They are Christians, their children go to the same (american) school as some kids I know, they go to the same church as some friends of mine. Jacques invites me to follow him outside to meet a friend of his from their church and to see the name "JESUS" hanging above his bakery.
Once back inside, upstairs, I eat a delicious -- DELICIOUS -- cinnamon roll and drink a fruity tea, read some, and go downstairs to pay. Jacques tells me that God paid for me today, and they give me a little card with a Bible verse on it.
After this delightful surprise, I felt very blessed and walked back to the clinic smiling. There I turned in my forms to the now-calm receptionist, waited half an hour (reading), then was called up to the desk to learn that the system fell again! Oh well, some things shouldn't be surprising...
Anyways, that went well... hopefully I won't have to have sinus surgery anytime soon, but there's always that possiblity. But that wasn't the delightful surprise. Nor was it delightful (although it was a surprise) that the computer system fell right as I was finishing up and therefore they weren't able to print off my prescription and order to get another x-ray.
After waiting in lines of people with the same problem, and watching the poor receptionist get more and more distressed, I decided to go out for a while and hope that the system came back up while I was gone. So I started walking along Avenida 19, which is lined with brick sidewalks and evenly-spaced maple trees, expensive car dealerships, kitchenware stores, and spas. I was thinking about getting my nails done, but didn't want to pay the prices of the high-end salons around there, so kept walking until I saw a promising side street.
Halfway up that block, the ornate facade of Jacques' tea room juts out. It is... luxurious... and cute... and inviting. Above and a bit behind the facade, enormous brass letters read "JESUS." Jazz music drifts out from the glassed-in front sitting area. I walk in and immediately like the place. Small tables, walls lined with Mucha prints so close together that their frames are nearly touching... a little further in there is beautiful bread, scrumptious pastries, heavenly merengues, and red velvet carpet going up some stairs to another sitting area.
I stop, in awe of the delectable sight.
Then continue upstairs and choose a seat at the counter, where I can take it all in. A kind-faced, gray-haired man is at the other end of the dark wooden counter. He asks if I wouldn't like to sit at a table. No, I prefer to look down at the rest of the tea room. He has an accent. I ask where he is from. France. He is Jacques, the owner of the establishment. I am from the U.S. His colombian wife studied in Charleston, South Carolina. I'm from North Carolina! I meet his wife. They find out I'm a missionary. They are Christians, their children go to the same (american) school as some kids I know, they go to the same church as some friends of mine. Jacques invites me to follow him outside to meet a friend of his from their church and to see the name "JESUS" hanging above his bakery.
Once back inside, upstairs, I eat a delicious -- DELICIOUS -- cinnamon roll and drink a fruity tea, read some, and go downstairs to pay. Jacques tells me that God paid for me today, and they give me a little card with a Bible verse on it.
After this delightful surprise, I felt very blessed and walked back to the clinic smiling. There I turned in my forms to the now-calm receptionist, waited half an hour (reading), then was called up to the desk to learn that the system fell again! Oh well, some things shouldn't be surprising...
Friday, August 12, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
friends?
So, after my post about my social anxiety, I forced myself to go on a young adults retreat with church this past weekend. It was great! I had a lot of fun and met a lot of neat people. Hopefully I will make a couple of friends through this...
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