preparing the heart to let go

Julio and I went to NC for three weeks.
While I was gone, J. was really nice to Bibi.
As soon as I got back, he started being bratty again.
A week later, Bibi went to Venezuela for twelve days.
J. had a really bad attitude with me almost all the time that she was gone.
He asked me if, as soon as Bibi got back, I was going to leave.  I told him no.
She arrived yesterday, to everyone's delight.
At bedtime, she went to pray with J., and he started being really mean to her, insisting that he wanted me to tuck him in, even though she had been gone for two weeks.  With tears in his eyes, he said, "But Emily's leaving tomorrow!!!"

That explains a lot about his attitude.


I've been having a hard time emotionally, knowing that I'm preparing to leave.
I know I have to trust God to keep taking care of the kids, and I do trust Him...  but still, I love them all and it is, and will be, difficult to let go.  I'm thankful that Julio and I will have a few months outside of Colombia after the wedding, because even if we were closeby, we wouldn't be allowed to visit Kiwi House for a while, to help with the transition (for everyone: the kids, Bibi, any new staff in the house, and myself).  Nothing will make the letting go easy, but it will be a bit easier to not be close enough that not visiting seems like rejection or discipline.

Even as I'm praying for God to help us all with this transition, I find myself crying as he answers the prayers for new people to help in Kiwi House, and for the children to accept them.  I find myself crying as I see the work God's doing, and the work that is still to be done.  I find myself crying because I'm leaving, and crying because it's still not time to leave:

Living in the tension of the present, the waiting, the going-but-not-yet-gone, has always been difficult for me.

I also find myself laughing more at the silly, everyday stuff.  I find myself smiling more as I listen to and talk with the four of them.  And, I find myself enjoying their company more intentionally.