summer loner

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately.
Or at least, it feels that way. If I compare time with people to time by myself, I guess I'm still getting a fair amount of face-time with other human beings, but... Maybe it's because I'm no longer living with really good friends. Maybe it's because my schedule has changed a little bit. Maybe it's because I come home from work in the afternoon and make lunch alone and eat it alone and read or do whatever i'm going to do for my few hours of free time alone and then I go to work again and when I come home a lot of times I'm in the house alone again and I have to get up early the next day so I go to bed alone.
I have had some really good hang-out times this week, but the number of good conversations has taken a nose-dive since M and A moved out.

Vignette from the life of EmilyAlone this evening:

I am sitting on the porch, reading in the comfort of the 7:30 heavy-blanket-heat, half-watching to see if the kittens who live in the factory yard across the street are going to come through the fence to eat the food I put out for them.
A man rides slowly by on a red road bike. He has long dreds and is holding a styrofoam cup in his mouth as he goes. I raise my hand in a wave. He nods. I keep reading.
A moment later, I realize he has looped around and stopped by the sidewalk. I look up from my book as he says,
"Hey, White Woman, Let me ask you something. Are you afraid of black people?"

I pause, searching for the answer inside of me.
"Not as a general rule."

"...not in general..." he repeats to himself.
Looking back on it, I want him to know that I mean that I don't feel afraid of him right now. That this moment is a "general" moment. That I only feel cautious, as I do whenever anyone approaches me and I feel the pressure of a request coming on.

He keeps talking to me, but we're a little too far from each other to have a conversation, so we move a bit closer to each other, but are still at a distance of about 15 feet.
He asks me for five dollars.
I tell him I don't like to give money out like that; that I prefer to give through an organization. That I know times are tough lately. That I can't give him money but I could go into my apartment and bring him some food.

He seems angry. Or maybe it's just frustration and a genuine question, "I don't understand why people wanna give their money to an organization instead of helping a person out who has a need right then."

"Well, I don't give to just any organization; I make sure they're using the money responsibly... Like Greensboro Urban Ministry over there. They're doing good work."

I think he listens to my response. I'm trying to be transparent, genuine, human.
He doesn't say anything about the food offer.
We say goodbye and he bikes around the bend.

A few minutes later, one of the kittens slinks out to eat. I talk to it. That's the last of the little box of food I bought at the corner store. And the question that comes to me is,
Should I spend money on a big bag of cat food when there are people who need so much help in my community?