and about that money...

Asking for money is always difficult, even if it's from someone who is "supposed" to give you money (e.g. your parents, when you're growing up; or your boss, for a raise). And I find it difficult to accept money that I don't feel like I've worked for. So raising support to go work in Colombia next a year has been an exercise in confronting my own stigmas and shifting the way I see money and merit.
When a work for a for-profit business (like a restaurant), or for the community college (which is government funded), I feel like I can do with my paycheck whatever I decide, because I worked for it! We signed a contract: I will work, the company will pay $X per hour, and we each hold up our end of the deal. Of course, I still have all kinds of ideas (both learned and instinctual, I think) about what I should do with said money, and that complicates the matter, turning it into a moral issue. But when I directly ASK my friends, family, and acquaintances, as well as the acquaintances of my friends, family or acquaintances for money, things get more awkward and tricky.
For example, how much do I allot myself per month if there's extra money? And what do I do with the extra? Don't people on the mission field put money into savings? But isn't there a difference between me going for a year and people who go for their entire lives? Well, maybe this extra money will be for an emergency... or maybe I can support a special project or another volunteer, in a pinch... What about when I want or need to get away for a little while? How much money can I use from my donations for that? Or should I use my own money for recreation?
I've already begun to work through some of the tentative answers to these questions, but all the thoughts are real, and they're there, and I feel like I have to be uber-responsible with this money that people with faces and names have parceled out to me. It doesn't come in the form of a check from the state treasury, signed by a person whose name I've never bothered to notice.

Also, there's the twist of "I don't like to receive money I don't feel I've earned, but I'm happy to give charitable donations to organizations who distribute it to 'the needy', and I occasionally give directly to individuals." Why do I think the recipients of my charity don't have the same feelings as I do? Why do I claim control in the situation? Do I strip their dignity by denying them a fair exchange? How can I change that system of unreciprocated charity? There is value in work, and receiving fair compensation for it. There is also value in cheerful donations to those in need.
Focusing in more on the previous post's quote, what about the fact that giving a donation (cheerful or obligatory) can feel like I've done my duty and can check "service to the poor and/or needy" off my list? In our currency-driven economy, money is necessary, but it's so much easier to replace love, compassion, personal contact and attention, with a donation. Or a cup of coffee. Or some change scrounged out from the bottom of my purse, in a hurried moment of interaction while I hold my breath and try to make sense of the babbling, wondering what is true and what is lie and what is mental illness? It doesn't get to the bottom. Can we ever "get to the bottom" of the problems? Are there any solutions?

It makes me think of the concept of "kingdom efficiency" again. That while God was on earth, he spent his good 'ministry years' hanging out with a rag-tag crew of people who didn't really understand what it was all about until after he died.

This morning I woke up remembering a time in high school where I made it quite evident to the entire student body how unloving and self-righteous I was. And I didn't even realize it. Sure, I was just 16, but I thought I had it together. The crazy thing is, until that moment this morning I had only been embarrassed by that memory on a personal level, not ashamed and repentant.
I guess what I'm getting at is: more love, less efficiency.
Money is necessary in our currency-driven economies. It's just one more thing to figure out how to use as an agent of love and service, and not to assume that I know what's best, or think that it exists to serve me.