the purpose of ministry

That last post was Saturday, the start of a new "spiritual crisis."
I read my friend's comments to a post and started thinking about what I have been idolizing; what do I have in the number one place in my heart.

Just like Abraham, who skewed his love from the promise-giver (God) to the fulfillment of the promise (Isaac), I realize that I have been holding onto my vision/dream/plans/passion/hope for the future more than I should.
Well, in talking to Evi, my director (the conversation was going to be about something else, but it ended up all coming out), she said that God planted a seed when I was a child... He put this dream in me when I was innocent and sensitive, and he began to water it at the right times, and to wait like a farmer (Isaiah 55:10-11, James 5:7) for its growth and the eventual crop. But then, she said, as it starts to grow we begin to prune it and form it into our desires, our design... like a brutal bonsai artist, or a child with scissors cutting her own hair.

On Saturday I realized how much I have been hanging my IDENTITY on what I DO. Who I am is not based on what I do. My value is not founded on my ministry, my job, others' opinions, my own opinion of myself and my estimation of how well I do what I do.
I was brought to the point of asking, "Why do I do what I do?"
If my being here is not, as I thought, a step in the ladder toward my ultimate goal or life-plan, then why on earth am I here? If I'm never going to reach the image I have in mind, then what's the point? Why am I doing this? But what else could I possibly do?? I was trapped, visionless, drifting: miserable and confused.

Sunday night Martin Smith, former Delirious? frontman, was at a small local church to sing a few songs and share a bit. There were fewer than 100 people. It was a super-intimate time... I felt like I was at an open-mic night with the man behind the voice that I sing along with on CDs.
He shared about his past year, since the band disbanded. How, at the age of 40, he found himself at home a lot more, with no job, no ministry, no... purpose, identity... Asking the hard questions of where his value comes from and what the point of his existence is. What defines me?

Martin's main point:
I will find out WHO I AM only by coming close to Jesus... in his light.
and the key word? SURRENDER

How does the Holy Spirit do it?! Set things up for me to meet God and receive the words of Truth in the timeliest moment!?
That night when I got home I couldn't go to sleep (which is really rare for me). I stayed up writing and praying for a while. I remembered that a few weeks back I met an "agnostic physicist"-turned-"Christian missionary to Colombia for 18 years." This charismatic man said to me, THREE TIMES,
"God showed me that the main purpose of ministry is to change the minister."
Sure, at the time, I knew it was true, or at least a part of the purpose. But these past few days are proving his statement to be more true.

I need to know who I am. Maybe God isn't asking me to KILL my passion and vision, but rather MY CONCEPT of how it should be done. God doesn't need my help. He wants me to know him.