How did Abraham do it?
How??
How could he sacrifice his son, the son of the promise, the first light of the fulfillment of his hopes and dreams and the promises of God?
I want to believe, to trust, beyond understanding. Beyond sight. Beyond reason.
I WANT to be able to sacrifice the dreams I'm holding onto as tight as, or tighter, than I hold onto God, just like Abraham loved Isaac more than anything else.
But what does that leave me with? I feel like I don't even know what he's promised me if I give that up...
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.'" Jer. 29:11
and
"I will never abandon you."
...those are the two that I'd still have.
Do I beleive that He is enough? Can I be Abraham's daughter?
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
idols and idolatry
it's a subject that I feel like God speaks to me about fairly regularly. No, I don't have any little statues, no shrines, no plates of food or offerings of money or other valuables left for another god. But an idol is anything that I try to use to fill God's place. When I feel spiritually hungry, where do I turn? To food? To other people? To dreaming about my future? To anything other than Jesus? ...it's an idol, then.
The difficult things are these:
I don't have something physical that I can destroy. No idol, no temple, no symbol of what I'm worshipping.
How do I love people and love what I do and love the God-given dreams I have... without putting them in the place of greatest importance, which only He can fill?
To God be the glory... not to me, not to anything else.
So, living in the present... not idolizing any hopes of future, not grasping to my dreams. Loving with an open hand. Waiting patiently. Trusting that He Who Sees knows better than these deceitful eyes and this deceitful heart. Living as Israel -- struggler -- and learning to put my confidence in the Lord.
Learning to "hang the weight of my soul" on the only One who can sustain it.
The difficult things are these:
I don't have something physical that I can destroy. No idol, no temple, no symbol of what I'm worshipping.
How do I love people and love what I do and love the God-given dreams I have... without putting them in the place of greatest importance, which only He can fill?
To God be the glory... not to me, not to anything else.
So, living in the present... not idolizing any hopes of future, not grasping to my dreams. Loving with an open hand. Waiting patiently. Trusting that He Who Sees knows better than these deceitful eyes and this deceitful heart. Living as Israel -- struggler -- and learning to put my confidence in the Lord.
Learning to "hang the weight of my soul" on the only One who can sustain it.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Yesterday I bought my driver's license.
That's right. Bought it.
I had to go show my documents and pay some money, take a psychological test in which I could only answer "si" or "no" -- NOT Emily's kind of test! -- take hearing and vision exams, and then a computerized test which made me wish I had played more video games in my life. Then I had to catch a bus, walk about 20 blocks (when, according to the address I thought was only going to be 5 blocks...), give a digital fingerprint, and go back to the first place I was at (where they did the exams). Then I had to wait a bit, have a minimal medical exam by a doctor who wore too much jewelry (but when I found myself thinking "you get paid way to much" I had to remind myself that Jesus loves him, too), go make some photocopies, stand in line, turn in my documents and get a picture taken, then go pay some more money.
By this point it was 3:00 pm. I had left the office at 11:00 am. When they told me that I needed to wait another hour to receive my license, I couldn't take it anymore! I was hungry, tired, and felt guilty for not being in the house to help Bibiana all day long. Hopefully I'll go back on Monday to pick it up, and then I can learn to drive all over again... The thought of driving in Bogota scares me a bit!
I had to go show my documents and pay some money, take a psychological test in which I could only answer "si" or "no" -- NOT Emily's kind of test! -- take hearing and vision exams, and then a computerized test which made me wish I had played more video games in my life. Then I had to catch a bus, walk about 20 blocks (when, according to the address I thought was only going to be 5 blocks...), give a digital fingerprint, and go back to the first place I was at (where they did the exams). Then I had to wait a bit, have a minimal medical exam by a doctor who wore too much jewelry (but when I found myself thinking "you get paid way to much" I had to remind myself that Jesus loves him, too), go make some photocopies, stand in line, turn in my documents and get a picture taken, then go pay some more money.
By this point it was 3:00 pm. I had left the office at 11:00 am. When they told me that I needed to wait another hour to receive my license, I couldn't take it anymore! I was hungry, tired, and felt guilty for not being in the house to help Bibiana all day long. Hopefully I'll go back on Monday to pick it up, and then I can learn to drive all over again... The thought of driving in Bogota scares me a bit!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
.Love.
We had orientation, to kick off the year. God spoke to us, as individuals and as a ministry. He's inviting us back to leading lives of prayer, intercession, listening to his voice, and waiting for his direction. Inviting us back to holiness and to the fear of the Lord. To repentance and obedience. Glorifying God and living in his presence. What an invitation!
Clemencia, a good friend and wise woman here in the ministry shared something that struck home in my spirit. She said that, years ago, she told God, "I don't believe that You love me." And He replied, "I love you." For two years she asked God WHY he loves her, and "What do I have to do for you to love me?" And for two years, he replied, "I love you." She told him, "Don't be stupid." And again and again he responded, "I love you."
I heard this the day after I'd cried when I said, alone, "I need to believe that I'm worth pursuing!" And again, I saw the God-shaped hole, and my own inability to fill it, and the imposibility that anyone else can fill that need... Immediately TRUTH said "I AM worthy of being pursued... because Jesus did!"
Before listening to Clemencia, my impulse was to put life on hold, waiting to 'get it right' and truly believe that God loves me, to be filled up to all fullness with that heart-knowledge. But maybe I will need those two years (or whatever amount of time... a lifetime...) to hear Jesus tell me over and over again, "I love you."
There's nothing I can do to make him love me more or less. I am loved. So instead of punishing myself because I don't get it, I'll just live my life... and wait to be continuously surprised by the passionate pursuit of my creator, my father, the author of my faith, my savior, my friend.
You are loved. So if you find that you're trying to earn God's love, just give up! You already have it! Why is it so difficult to receive what is already ours?
Clemencia, a good friend and wise woman here in the ministry shared something that struck home in my spirit. She said that, years ago, she told God, "I don't believe that You love me." And He replied, "I love you." For two years she asked God WHY he loves her, and "What do I have to do for you to love me?" And for two years, he replied, "I love you." She told him, "Don't be stupid." And again and again he responded, "I love you."
I heard this the day after I'd cried when I said, alone, "I need to believe that I'm worth pursuing!" And again, I saw the God-shaped hole, and my own inability to fill it, and the imposibility that anyone else can fill that need... Immediately TRUTH said "I AM worthy of being pursued... because Jesus did!"
Before listening to Clemencia, my impulse was to put life on hold, waiting to 'get it right' and truly believe that God loves me, to be filled up to all fullness with that heart-knowledge. But maybe I will need those two years (or whatever amount of time... a lifetime...) to hear Jesus tell me over and over again, "I love you."
There's nothing I can do to make him love me more or less. I am loved. So instead of punishing myself because I don't get it, I'll just live my life... and wait to be continuously surprised by the passionate pursuit of my creator, my father, the author of my faith, my savior, my friend.
You are loved. So if you find that you're trying to earn God's love, just give up! You already have it! Why is it so difficult to receive what is already ours?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
in time
You know, I really want to ENJOY life.
Yeah, there will always be routine, and in fact, I often like the routine. It makes the out-of-the-ordinary more special and... enjoyable. So I'm not demanding or even expecting constant giddiness, happiness, glee. Life is a cycle. My director here at Formando Vidas says to remember, in the dark moments, that there will be an upswing... and likewise, in the best of times, to remember that "this too shall pass."
What is it about living in the present that I find so difficult? What do I want? I don't KNOW what I want! Maybe that's the problem?
Our 14-year-old is planning her quinceañera (like a sweet 16 party, but at 15 in latino culture). She has said for years that she doesn't want a fancy party, doesn't want the typical -- an elegant dress, a dinner, to dance the waltz. Yesterday she decided that she does, in fact, want a dress and a party, but she hasn't expressed what she wants to do. Bibiana told her that she needs to be very specific because if not, she will have a big expectation and will be inevitably let down because we can't read her mind.
But maybe her mind isn't made up.
I think I'm just a bit tired of washing clothes and cooking and telling small children not to fight over toys and to please close the door for the umpteenth time and to eat all of their food and to not bother each other.
But the six o'clock sky was beautiful today. The clouds touching the western mountains were tinged with the burnished color of pure light, the color of the face of God. Above them streched out Apollo's trail, a band of pink clouds widening and dispersing where the sun had ridden his chariot down to the horizon. His wake was converted into a train for his cold bride; the half-moon directly overhead sat awaiting the dark and her glory, her slow procession down the aisle, flanked by millions of twinkling attendants.
I laughed at its magnificence and stood still, wide-eyed. And as I breathed the fresh air and took the last of the day's wash off of the drying fence, I spoke aloud Solomon's words, "He has made everything beautiful in its own time."
So I want to see, to appreciate, to live, to enjoy that beauty and that timing. My God is a joyful being. No student is greater than her teacher, but when her training is completed, she will be LIKE her master. Growing in joyfulness...
Yeah, there will always be routine, and in fact, I often like the routine. It makes the out-of-the-ordinary more special and... enjoyable. So I'm not demanding or even expecting constant giddiness, happiness, glee. Life is a cycle. My director here at Formando Vidas says to remember, in the dark moments, that there will be an upswing... and likewise, in the best of times, to remember that "this too shall pass."
What is it about living in the present that I find so difficult? What do I want? I don't KNOW what I want! Maybe that's the problem?
Our 14-year-old is planning her quinceañera (like a sweet 16 party, but at 15 in latino culture). She has said for years that she doesn't want a fancy party, doesn't want the typical -- an elegant dress, a dinner, to dance the waltz. Yesterday she decided that she does, in fact, want a dress and a party, but she hasn't expressed what she wants to do. Bibiana told her that she needs to be very specific because if not, she will have a big expectation and will be inevitably let down because we can't read her mind.
But maybe her mind isn't made up.
I think I'm just a bit tired of washing clothes and cooking and telling small children not to fight over toys and to please close the door for the umpteenth time and to eat all of their food and to not bother each other.
But the six o'clock sky was beautiful today. The clouds touching the western mountains were tinged with the burnished color of pure light, the color of the face of God. Above them streched out Apollo's trail, a band of pink clouds widening and dispersing where the sun had ridden his chariot down to the horizon. His wake was converted into a train for his cold bride; the half-moon directly overhead sat awaiting the dark and her glory, her slow procession down the aisle, flanked by millions of twinkling attendants.
I laughed at its magnificence and stood still, wide-eyed. And as I breathed the fresh air and took the last of the day's wash off of the drying fence, I spoke aloud Solomon's words, "He has made everything beautiful in its own time."
So I want to see, to appreciate, to live, to enjoy that beauty and that timing. My God is a joyful being. No student is greater than her teacher, but when her training is completed, she will be LIKE her master. Growing in joyfulness...
Sunday, January 9, 2011
They were the children of no way out...
The craziness of Christmas and New Years passed, and we felt exhausted! We hadn't had our weekly day off for a few weeks, plus the kids are on vacation so they're ALL AT HOME ALL THE TIME! Long story short, we needed to get away!
It almost didn't happen. We were hoping to leave Tuesday morning, but Monday night we still hadn't heard anything from one of the moms, and we were keeping all three of her children. She had dropped them off on Friday, to keep them out of their home environment for the New Year's festivities (i.e., drunken parties). But when we never heard anything from her, and she didn't show up to get them, and we couldn't get in touch with her, we began to worry. And we also began to doubt the possibilities of our family vacation. But our neighbors here on the farm insisted on receiving the three kids, and we left Tuesday morning as planned! (We still haven't heard from her, and the kids are still with us... if we HADN'T gotten out of town, I can't imagine how we'd be right now. God knows what we need, and is gracious!)
We all piled in Tony and Laura's 33-year-old Nissan and hit the road for Chinauta! Our reservation turned out to not be what we'd expected, so we walked around looking for another place to rent, and got immeasurably more than we'd asked or imagined! A house, all to ourselves, in a gated community (Bibi says that type of rental house used to belong to narcotrafficers! That puts an exciting new spin on our vacation home!), with a private swimming pool and with tons of fruit trees and an outdoor kitchen/grill/eating area! And the price was almost exactly the same as the place we had booked! It was perfect... Did I mention the hammock?
One afternoon, lying in the hammock, I sipped an iced coffee and watched the kids in the pool as the sun filtered down through palm leaves. Seeing the joy on their faces and hearing the peals of laughter accompanied by the splashing, I was struck with gratefulness.
God snatched these children out of their situations and is blessing them. Children of solitude, who were left alone for too long too young, who were born of their mothers' loneliness; children of the streets and of lives of scavenging; children of prostitution; children of pain and sorrow; children of acoholism and drug abuse; children of verbal, physical, sexual abuse; children of attempted abortions; the children of no way out.
These children are only here by the grace and goodness of God, their Daddy.
And we, the staff, are only here by the invitation and provision of that same good, gracious, loving Father.
Hot country, vacation, the pool, the perfect house with the hammock, family, relationship with God, a future... that is what he's allowing me to be part of for his children in Colombia.
It almost didn't happen. We were hoping to leave Tuesday morning, but Monday night we still hadn't heard anything from one of the moms, and we were keeping all three of her children. She had dropped them off on Friday, to keep them out of their home environment for the New Year's festivities (i.e., drunken parties). But when we never heard anything from her, and she didn't show up to get them, and we couldn't get in touch with her, we began to worry. And we also began to doubt the possibilities of our family vacation. But our neighbors here on the farm insisted on receiving the three kids, and we left Tuesday morning as planned! (We still haven't heard from her, and the kids are still with us... if we HADN'T gotten out of town, I can't imagine how we'd be right now. God knows what we need, and is gracious!)
We all piled in Tony and Laura's 33-year-old Nissan and hit the road for Chinauta! Our reservation turned out to not be what we'd expected, so we walked around looking for another place to rent, and got immeasurably more than we'd asked or imagined! A house, all to ourselves, in a gated community (Bibi says that type of rental house used to belong to narcotrafficers! That puts an exciting new spin on our vacation home!), with a private swimming pool and with tons of fruit trees and an outdoor kitchen/grill/eating area! And the price was almost exactly the same as the place we had booked! It was perfect... Did I mention the hammock?
One afternoon, lying in the hammock, I sipped an iced coffee and watched the kids in the pool as the sun filtered down through palm leaves. Seeing the joy on their faces and hearing the peals of laughter accompanied by the splashing, I was struck with gratefulness.
God snatched these children out of their situations and is blessing them. Children of solitude, who were left alone for too long too young, who were born of their mothers' loneliness; children of the streets and of lives of scavenging; children of prostitution; children of pain and sorrow; children of acoholism and drug abuse; children of verbal, physical, sexual abuse; children of attempted abortions; the children of no way out.
These children are only here by the grace and goodness of God, their Daddy.
And we, the staff, are only here by the invitation and provision of that same good, gracious, loving Father.
Hot country, vacation, the pool, the perfect house with the hammock, family, relationship with God, a future... that is what he's allowing me to be part of for his children in Colombia.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Two Thousand Eleven
Here's to another year.
I brought it in at my house, on the farm, in the mountains of La Calera, Colombia.
I ushered it in along with kids, teens, and young adults, and with staff members new and old.
At my house we had finger foods -- mini pumpkin pies, hummus, and the like -- and a costume dance party. I was the Christmas tree, plugged in and all. My lights flashed and my ornaments fell off, along with the majority of my pine needles, as I danced the night away.
Just before midnight, we went up to the other house to sit around the bonfire and watch the fireworks. They burned the "old year" -- an effigy made of old clothes stuffed with straw or branches. His head fell off into the coals. The best fireworks of them all were the stars. Orion and the seven sisters and myriad of others whose names I never knew.
This year will be different, but it will also be the same. I will continue learning and living the processes and progressions that began while we were using the pages of other calendars, a system created by men long gone, enumerating our lives so we think we can start over every 365 days.
I awoke on 1/1/11 to a beautiful blue sky... (part of who I am for God -- sunny blue sky!)... went to take the baby out of the crib and lay him in my bed, where we cuddled for about an hour and I read, until Li'l J. woke up and came in to greet us, fresh after his midnight tantrums. (Small children shouldn't stay up so late!)
This may be my verse for the year:
"He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure [is a treasure from him]." Isaiah 33:6
"El sera la seguridad de tus tiempos, te dara en abundancia salvacion, sabiduria y conocimiento; el temor del señor sera tu tesoro."
A SURE foundation. Unmoving, stable, definite, without doubts, strong.
wisdom and knowledge -- I need more and more! he has a rich store of them both, for me!
the fear [respect, honor, submission and obedience to above all others] the LORD is the key to this treasure, and the treasure itself.
I think that learning about the fear of the Lord was one of the biggest things I learned in 2010.... and deciding to live in it. I predict that in 2011 the fear of the Lord will continue to be my treasure, and to bring more blessing to my life. I have a sure foundation.
Happy new year, everybody. The same divine invitation is open to you all.
I brought it in at my house, on the farm, in the mountains of La Calera, Colombia.
I ushered it in along with kids, teens, and young adults, and with staff members new and old.
At my house we had finger foods -- mini pumpkin pies, hummus, and the like -- and a costume dance party. I was the Christmas tree, plugged in and all. My lights flashed and my ornaments fell off, along with the majority of my pine needles, as I danced the night away.
Just before midnight, we went up to the other house to sit around the bonfire and watch the fireworks. They burned the "old year" -- an effigy made of old clothes stuffed with straw or branches. His head fell off into the coals. The best fireworks of them all were the stars. Orion and the seven sisters and myriad of others whose names I never knew.
This year will be different, but it will also be the same. I will continue learning and living the processes and progressions that began while we were using the pages of other calendars, a system created by men long gone, enumerating our lives so we think we can start over every 365 days.
I awoke on 1/1/11 to a beautiful blue sky... (part of who I am for God -- sunny blue sky!)... went to take the baby out of the crib and lay him in my bed, where we cuddled for about an hour and I read, until Li'l J. woke up and came in to greet us, fresh after his midnight tantrums. (Small children shouldn't stay up so late!)
This may be my verse for the year:
"He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure [is a treasure from him]." Isaiah 33:6
"El sera la seguridad de tus tiempos, te dara en abundancia salvacion, sabiduria y conocimiento; el temor del señor sera tu tesoro."
A SURE foundation. Unmoving, stable, definite, without doubts, strong.
wisdom and knowledge -- I need more and more! he has a rich store of them both, for me!
the fear [respect, honor, submission and obedience to above all others] the LORD is the key to this treasure, and the treasure itself.
I think that learning about the fear of the Lord was one of the biggest things I learned in 2010.... and deciding to live in it. I predict that in 2011 the fear of the Lord will continue to be my treasure, and to bring more blessing to my life. I have a sure foundation.
Happy new year, everybody. The same divine invitation is open to you all.
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