CONTROL

Hi, my name is Emily, and I have a control problem.
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Raising children, I wonder what the difference is between control and obedience. Obedience is a choice, and I want to be part of the process of these kids to learn to willingly choose obedience and its good consequences, even when they don't want to.
However, I sometimes wonder if what my actions and attitudes communicate that I want controlled children...

If I'm trying to read my Bible, or pray, or take a nap during the little ones' nap time, but I hear them out of bed playing, running around, getting into things that they know they shouldn't (examples: Taking cold bits of charred wood out of the fireplace to paint themselves and the floor. Opening others' closets and pulling everything out. Emptying the baby wipes to clean themselves, the furniture, their toys, other kids.), it drives me crazy! Even if it's not something that they've previously been told to NOT do, and maybe already been disciplined for that in the past... sometimes they just do things that I don't want them to, because it bugs me.

But these kids do not have to live to please ME.
They are people, and as such I can't control them.
But how do I teach obedience, and what things to I need to let go of in order to love them better and show God better?
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In church one day, after thinking through these things, there was a song that says "Mi mayor deseo es tu presencia; Tu mayor deseo es mi obediencia, y que te aclame" -- "My greatest desire is your presence; Your greatest desire is my obedience, and that I would acclaim/proclaim you."
Obedience. The CHOICE to do what pleases God, not out of fear or duty or control. Freely chosen. Because of love.
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Bibi was gone that weekend, and it was a tough time. There were 7 children in the house. But she needs time off, and friendships, just like I do. So why do I struggle against feeling like it's unfair and unloving for her to leave me alone? I recognize feelings of possessiveness, of jealousy, of "needing to be needed", of co-dependency, and of control. I recognize my life-long desire to be the chosen one, the best friend, the one and only... That always came into play when I felt like a friend or a boy was choosing someone else over me.

But other people -- friends, family, coworkers, the kids -- do not exist to fulfill me or to please me or to meet all of my needs!
So in the name of Jesus I prayed to BLESS Bibi's friendships and free time, to give THANKS for her weekend off, for her days off, for her current and future relationships and the social network that we all need. In prayer, I released her to be my FRIEND, not my SOURCE.
"Otras personas pueden ser un puente, mas no la fuente" -- others can be bridges, but not our source (of emotional fulfillment).
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I see where this is heading. I've invited that all-consuming fire in a little further, into the CONTROL PROBLEM, and it burns a bit! So far he's already ignited some major points:

I can't control God. (He's real and alive! He doesn't want to control me; he wants love-inspired obedience!)

I can't control my peers. (They don't exist to fill my needs. They need others and freedom. They are different than me! They cannot be and do all that I want, nor should they.)

I can't control the kids. (They don't exist to please me. They can't and shouldn't be controlled. How can we teach love-inspired obedience to authorities and to God??? They are KIDS -- don't be too hard on them or too serious!)

Book recommendation

So this past weekend I had a great time visiting my cousin, Iris, who's living in Barranquilla, on the northern coast of Colombia. (Yes, Shakira's hometown.)
While I was with her, she lent me a book, which I was able to read during my super-chill weekend. Written by Kevin DeYoung, a pastor in the midwest, it's called Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God's Will, and I can really recommend it to other Christians who want to live in God's will. He specifically has lots of advice for my peers (twenty- and thirty-somethings wondering about the major decisions -- where to live, what job to take, who to marry), which is both challenging and freeing.

There are many topics it covers that I would love to discuss, but really I just suggest that you read the book, and then maybe we can chat about what you found interesing. However, I do want to share this excerpt, which resonates with me a lot:

"God is all-knowing and all-powerful. He has planned out and works out very detail of our lives -- the joyous days and the difficult -- all for our good (Ecclesiastes 7:14). Because we have confidence in God's will of decree, we can radically commit ourselves to His will of desire, without fretting over a hidden will of direction.

In other words, God doesn't take risks, so we can.

... God promises to be your sun and shied and to carry you and protect with His strong right arm. So we can stop pleading with God to show us the future, and start living and obeying like we are confident that He holds the future." (pp 41, 42)

Oh Israel, put your hope Lord both now and always. (Ps. 131:3)

Let's stop our sins of unbelief and a lack of trust in God. He holds the future, so we don't have to micromanage it.

the purpose of ministry is to change the minister

The scene:
Tony, Laura and I in my living room, chatting to catch up on the day. Eight children, ages 1-11 in the house. J. in discipline, waiting for me to go talk with him.

Emily: "I have to go talk to J. He's in his room."
Laura (English sarcasm): "Oh, he's not just there for fun"
Emily (gives a quick summary of what happened): "Yeah, the two things that bother me most are a mocking attitude and disrespect."
Tony: "So, why are you working with street kids?"
(laughter)
Emily: "I think God wants to change that in me."
Tony: "And then you can have a NORMAL job!"

Vending Machine or Consuming Fire?

Someone once told me that an idol is a controllable god. Anything we put in a place of utmost importance, while in reality we maintain ourselves "in charge":
Our "sacrifices" to that god must be met in the timeframe and the manner that we expect, desire, demand. If they're not, then the obvious conclusion is that the offering wasn't worthy and we must do something else: deny ourselves more, fulfill a ritual or vow -- all on terms we've invented or discovered or believed -- until said "god" does what we are requesting.
This puts us in charge, but helpless. Controling and controlled.

But the thing about GOD is that he can't be controlled. Our God is a consuming fire. The only form of controlling a fire is setting boundaries by refusing to feed it more fuel. In the spiritual sense, placing a limit on God, saying "I allow Your involvement in my life to this point, but no further." Our God is a God of invitation, not of obligation. He's a gentleman.

I have a desire to control. Myself, my life, my future, even others....and to turn GOD into a god. If I fast and pray, god has to respond to me. If I ask for a response by Thursday, god must give it. If I willingly suffer, god owes me something I want.

But our God is a consuming fire. He's not a stick of wood, he's not a carved bit of stone or metal cast in a mold. He's alive, not lifeless. He is not a vending machine. If I put in a dollar I can make my selection. If the candy bar gets stuck, it is divinely unjust and I can shake the metal god into releasing my deserved blessing, or if that still doesn't work, I can go to the security guard who has to give me back my dollar. The vending machine is about supply and demand: business. That has NOTHING to do with a living being. The vending machine works on the basis of my needs and my justice. It's all about me. That has NOTHING to do with relationship.

Recently I needed to hear from God about an important decision for the ministry. I didn't feel like he was responding to me, but I was getting frustrated because God knew that I had to tell the team what I had heard from God on Monday. {Umm, Hello! That's called a Deadline, god! Jesus called us his friends, not just servants, because he doesn't hide what he's doing from us. So, if I'm your friend, why won't you tell me anything?! Remember, I need to know! By MONDAY! We need to hear from you so that we can do what you desire and therefore bring you glory! This is a really important decision! What will others think of me if I don't have a clear response?!} But there the focus wan't God being glorified, but rather myself receiving glory for how well I can hear from God... for how well I can manage the vending machine.

God wants relationship -- to know and be known. And, God is a consuming fire. So, when I ask forgivness for my demanding and my attempts to control, I invite that fire further in. What does a fire do? It burns, it warms, and it purifies. When a fire receives more fuel the flame gets hotter. That can be uncomfortable, but what the fire leaves behind is that which is unburnable, unconsumable, permanent. The result is purification.

barefootin'

Today was beautiful. We sat in the warm grass with no shoes on, playing with the kids for about an hour. The little ones went over to the fence where the cow, Lola, was. She lowered her head to let them pet her and they ran back, squealing with delight, to report the incident. We all played "montonera" (montañera) ... which I think is maybe called "dogpile" in the States...

I just listened to an Avett Brothers' song that my friend Leah posted on her blog -- a song that fifteen-year-old I. said "sounds sad"; a song that reminds me how much I love the banjo; a song that makes me sure that I want to go to the mountains, to Asheville, NC, when I'm home in May/June, and to hopefully hear some live bluegrass music.

On the downside... I think I have a louse (yeah, that's the singular of lice...) running around on my head. At least, I hope it's just one.