Well, it's January 2009. My resolution experiment worked, as this blog still exists and is used from time to time. I've even heard that I have a few loyal readers, surprisingly enough. (Hey, Mike and Terri!)
And, now it is once again that time when I'm supposed to set goals for the year. However, I don't want to set a goal I won't keep, so I'll aim low:
1. Finish knitting these mittens
2. Move out of my parents' house
3. Speak more Spanish
Hmm... I predict I'll accomplish these goals within a month.
Oh well, here are some I know I can't keep consistently:
4. See others as God's beloved and treat them as such.
5. Take action against poverty
6. Gain more of an understanding of God's duality: complete love and complete authority
...and many more, but I don't want all of my shortcomings to be so obvious! ;)
Friday, January 2, 2009
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Lifeboat Theory in action
How do I live increasingly in God's love, and not in a system, a structure, in a set of rituals, or rules, or in traditions and assumed truths?
And what about this "us and them" mentality that defines the Other, but doesn't delve into what that means or who the Other really are and why we feel that they are Other?
Like the word Liberal.
There is political liberalism and conservatism, and there is social l-ism and c-ism, all about different issues and to differing degrees, and within one person there are often extremes of both.
Yet I and others often have the idea that any two terms, two labels, cannot coexist. And attempting to verbalize feelings of the Other makes matters worse, because words are loaded. Culturally and individually.
This especially happens to me when I'm not even directly involved, but rather telling how two people or groups interacted and why one felt like the other was Other.
I don't go into detail (because it's not my story really, or because I want to allow a margin of privacy), and instead search for the lexical shortcut through the conversation, and butcher meaning with words.
If explanation is demanded I can use more words to say what I meant by "liberal atmosphere" or "Christian values". I can enumerate which "liberal" aspect was in mind, or to which "values" that are often (but not exclusively) promoted in Judeo-Christian circles I was refering.
I both love and hate words, for their beauty and use, and for their shortcomings.
But beyond that, how can I move past seeing others as the Other, taking shortcuts that increase verbal inadequacy and decrease relational possibility?
After writing this, I realized this is a prime example of Donald Miller's Lifeboat Theory: that we all act like we're in a lifeboat, and we have to prove our worth so that we don't get rejected and thrown overboard to drown.
I act like I'm in a lifeboat even though I don't want to. My value does not come from my "rank" in the hierarchy. I don't have to prove that I'm worth loving and accepting. I matter because I am one loved by God. How difficult a thing it is to try to live in the truth that the mechanism with which I've lived my whole life doesn't actually make any sense or have any value whatsoever.
And what about this "us and them" mentality that defines the Other, but doesn't delve into what that means or who the Other really are and why we feel that they are Other?
Like the word Liberal.
There is political liberalism and conservatism, and there is social l-ism and c-ism, all about different issues and to differing degrees, and within one person there are often extremes of both.
Yet I and others often have the idea that any two terms, two labels, cannot coexist. And attempting to verbalize feelings of the Other makes matters worse, because words are loaded. Culturally and individually.
This especially happens to me when I'm not even directly involved, but rather telling how two people or groups interacted and why one felt like the other was Other.
I don't go into detail (because it's not my story really, or because I want to allow a margin of privacy), and instead search for the lexical shortcut through the conversation, and butcher meaning with words.
If explanation is demanded I can use more words to say what I meant by "liberal atmosphere" or "Christian values". I can enumerate which "liberal" aspect was in mind, or to which "values" that are often (but not exclusively) promoted in Judeo-Christian circles I was refering.
I both love and hate words, for their beauty and use, and for their shortcomings.
But beyond that, how can I move past seeing others as the Other, taking shortcuts that increase verbal inadequacy and decrease relational possibility?
After writing this, I realized this is a prime example of Donald Miller's Lifeboat Theory: that we all act like we're in a lifeboat, and we have to prove our worth so that we don't get rejected and thrown overboard to drown.
I act like I'm in a lifeboat even though I don't want to. My value does not come from my "rank" in the hierarchy. I don't have to prove that I'm worth loving and accepting. I matter because I am one loved by God. How difficult a thing it is to try to live in the truth that the mechanism with which I've lived my whole life doesn't actually make any sense or have any value whatsoever.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Home for Christmas
...and New Year's, and the whole first month of 2009.
That's right: I moved back in with Mom and Dad on Monday. So far it's going well, I've been unpacking and reading and helped decorate the tree and I'm fighting a head cold. There are definitely adjustments to returning to Sanford after 5 years of my life being in Greensboro. Here's to adjusting.
Also, here's to "Preparation," as I've dubbed the next month and a half. External preparations, like making lists (yay!), collecting needed items, buying a ticket, tying up financial loose ends, and packing; also there are internal preparations, like spending quality time with family and friends, and enjoying the wide margin I currently live in - free of work and other weekly or daily commitments - to spend time in prayer and reading and journaling and discussing: generally, being open to God solidifying any stages of my mental, emotional, and spiritual growth that he wants to before I go. As L told me at lunch on Saturday (by the way, thanks again -- it was great!), "Growth. Do it."
Okay, after a morning of unpacking (and repacking for storage), emailing, changing addresses, and walking the dog, I'm going out to the post office and to do some Christmas shopping! Maybe I'll even hit up THE coffeeshop.
That's right: I moved back in with Mom and Dad on Monday. So far it's going well, I've been unpacking and reading and helped decorate the tree and I'm fighting a head cold. There are definitely adjustments to returning to Sanford after 5 years of my life being in Greensboro. Here's to adjusting.
Also, here's to "Preparation," as I've dubbed the next month and a half. External preparations, like making lists (yay!), collecting needed items, buying a ticket, tying up financial loose ends, and packing; also there are internal preparations, like spending quality time with family and friends, and enjoying the wide margin I currently live in - free of work and other weekly or daily commitments - to spend time in prayer and reading and journaling and discussing: generally, being open to God solidifying any stages of my mental, emotional, and spiritual growth that he wants to before I go. As L told me at lunch on Saturday (by the way, thanks again -- it was great!), "Growth. Do it."
Okay, after a morning of unpacking (and repacking for storage), emailing, changing addresses, and walking the dog, I'm going out to the post office and to do some Christmas shopping! Maybe I'll even hit up THE coffeeshop.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Searching for I Know What
Twice recently, I’ve been freaking out a little bit, and author Donald Miller walked right in, set right down, and let his thoughts hang out. That is why I love reading. Well, partly.
The first time, I was having a tough day. Actually, I didn’t realize I was having a tough day until my loving friend told me I was acting combative and asked what was up. I thought I was just being quippy, but my comments were a little too sharp and not well-executed enough to cover myself.
Often, by realizing one has a problem, recovery can begin. Not so on this Saturday. Maybe it was because I couldn’t find the root of the issue.
So instead, I went through cycles of attempted wit, shutting down and shutting up, feeling really needy, and wanting to deny my needs and claim that I AM AN ISLAND.
It’s really difficult to own needs and then live in their unfulfillment.
Of course, the need for companionship and connection with others often gets distorted, so I find myself using people and attention as a soul hit to fill me up and numb me out, instead of just enjoying friendships for the beautiful gifts that they are.
So after a full Saturday of this needy, angry, empty, skewed feeling I went to bed. The next morning I woke up, read a favorite psalm, and then picked up Searching for God Knows What, which I’m re-reading after a few years of it sitting on a shelf. This is the part where ole Don pulled up a chair and explained some things about humans to me again. He reminded me that humans are made to look outside of themselves for meaning and identity and security. That the concept of “The Fall” is where that mechanism (the good, created need) got turned upside-down. That when humanity decided to trust themselves instead of God, the perfect relationship was broken. The source of fulfillment was severed, cut off. And ever since we’ve been searching searching searching to find what we lost, what we chose to give up.
So on that Saturday, I wanted to be liked, to be funny, to be admired, to be desired, to be everything to everyone, or at least to someone. I wanted those things so that I could feel whole.
That Sunday morning I remembered that they’ll never be enough to fill me up, to put me back together. With a quick and quiet, “Jesus, I’m sorry. Thank you for loving me no matter what,” I felt the burn of wine down my throat and into my core as he reminded me that he’s always here, waiting for me to turn again to the only one who can walk right in to that void.
(Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is useless. Unless the Lord protects a city, guarding it with sentries is no good. It is useless for you to work from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones. Psalm 127)
The first time, I was having a tough day. Actually, I didn’t realize I was having a tough day until my loving friend told me I was acting combative and asked what was up. I thought I was just being quippy, but my comments were a little too sharp and not well-executed enough to cover myself.
Often, by realizing one has a problem, recovery can begin. Not so on this Saturday. Maybe it was because I couldn’t find the root of the issue.
So instead, I went through cycles of attempted wit, shutting down and shutting up, feeling really needy, and wanting to deny my needs and claim that I AM AN ISLAND.
It’s really difficult to own needs and then live in their unfulfillment.
Of course, the need for companionship and connection with others often gets distorted, so I find myself using people and attention as a soul hit to fill me up and numb me out, instead of just enjoying friendships for the beautiful gifts that they are.
So after a full Saturday of this needy, angry, empty, skewed feeling I went to bed. The next morning I woke up, read a favorite psalm, and then picked up Searching for God Knows What, which I’m re-reading after a few years of it sitting on a shelf. This is the part where ole Don pulled up a chair and explained some things about humans to me again. He reminded me that humans are made to look outside of themselves for meaning and identity and security. That the concept of “The Fall” is where that mechanism (the good, created need) got turned upside-down. That when humanity decided to trust themselves instead of God, the perfect relationship was broken. The source of fulfillment was severed, cut off. And ever since we’ve been searching searching searching to find what we lost, what we chose to give up.
So on that Saturday, I wanted to be liked, to be funny, to be admired, to be desired, to be everything to everyone, or at least to someone. I wanted those things so that I could feel whole.
That Sunday morning I remembered that they’ll never be enough to fill me up, to put me back together. With a quick and quiet, “Jesus, I’m sorry. Thank you for loving me no matter what,” I felt the burn of wine down my throat and into my core as he reminded me that he’s always here, waiting for me to turn again to the only one who can walk right in to that void.
(Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is useless. Unless the Lord protects a city, guarding it with sentries is no good. It is useless for you to work from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones. Psalm 127)
Friday, November 21, 2008
and about that money...
Asking for money is always difficult, even if it's from someone who is "supposed" to give you money (e.g. your parents, when you're growing up; or your boss, for a raise). And I find it difficult to accept money that I don't feel like I've worked for. So raising support to go work in Colombia next a year has been an exercise in confronting my own stigmas and shifting the way I see money and merit.
When a work for a for-profit business (like a restaurant), or for the community college (which is government funded), I feel like I can do with my paycheck whatever I decide, because I worked for it! We signed a contract: I will work, the company will pay $X per hour, and we each hold up our end of the deal. Of course, I still have all kinds of ideas (both learned and instinctual, I think) about what I should do with said money, and that complicates the matter, turning it into a moral issue. But when I directly ASK my friends, family, and acquaintances, as well as the acquaintances of my friends, family or acquaintances for money, things get more awkward and tricky.
For example, how much do I allot myself per month if there's extra money? And what do I do with the extra? Don't people on the mission field put money into savings? But isn't there a difference between me going for a year and people who go for their entire lives? Well, maybe this extra money will be for an emergency... or maybe I can support a special project or another volunteer, in a pinch... What about when I want or need to get away for a little while? How much money can I use from my donations for that? Or should I use my own money for recreation?
I've already begun to work through some of the tentative answers to these questions, but all the thoughts are real, and they're there, and I feel like I have to be uber-responsible with this money that people with faces and names have parceled out to me. It doesn't come in the form of a check from the state treasury, signed by a person whose name I've never bothered to notice.
Also, there's the twist of "I don't like to receive money I don't feel I've earned, but I'm happy to give charitable donations to organizations who distribute it to 'the needy', and I occasionally give directly to individuals." Why do I think the recipients of my charity don't have the same feelings as I do? Why do I claim control in the situation? Do I strip their dignity by denying them a fair exchange? How can I change that system of unreciprocated charity? There is value in work, and receiving fair compensation for it. There is also value in cheerful donations to those in need.
Focusing in more on the previous post's quote, what about the fact that giving a donation (cheerful or obligatory) can feel like I've done my duty and can check "service to the poor and/or needy" off my list? In our currency-driven economy, money is necessary, but it's so much easier to replace love, compassion, personal contact and attention, with a donation. Or a cup of coffee. Or some change scrounged out from the bottom of my purse, in a hurried moment of interaction while I hold my breath and try to make sense of the babbling, wondering what is true and what is lie and what is mental illness? It doesn't get to the bottom. Can we ever "get to the bottom" of the problems? Are there any solutions?
It makes me think of the concept of "kingdom efficiency" again. That while God was on earth, he spent his good 'ministry years' hanging out with a rag-tag crew of people who didn't really understand what it was all about until after he died.
This morning I woke up remembering a time in high school where I made it quite evident to the entire student body how unloving and self-righteous I was. And I didn't even realize it. Sure, I was just 16, but I thought I had it together. The crazy thing is, until that moment this morning I had only been embarrassed by that memory on a personal level, not ashamed and repentant.
I guess what I'm getting at is: more love, less efficiency.
Money is necessary in our currency-driven economies. It's just one more thing to figure out how to use as an agent of love and service, and not to assume that I know what's best, or think that it exists to serve me.
When a work for a for-profit business (like a restaurant), or for the community college (which is government funded), I feel like I can do with my paycheck whatever I decide, because I worked for it! We signed a contract: I will work, the company will pay $X per hour, and we each hold up our end of the deal. Of course, I still have all kinds of ideas (both learned and instinctual, I think) about what I should do with said money, and that complicates the matter, turning it into a moral issue. But when I directly ASK my friends, family, and acquaintances, as well as the acquaintances of my friends, family or acquaintances for money, things get more awkward and tricky.
For example, how much do I allot myself per month if there's extra money? And what do I do with the extra? Don't people on the mission field put money into savings? But isn't there a difference between me going for a year and people who go for their entire lives? Well, maybe this extra money will be for an emergency... or maybe I can support a special project or another volunteer, in a pinch... What about when I want or need to get away for a little while? How much money can I use from my donations for that? Or should I use my own money for recreation?
I've already begun to work through some of the tentative answers to these questions, but all the thoughts are real, and they're there, and I feel like I have to be uber-responsible with this money that people with faces and names have parceled out to me. It doesn't come in the form of a check from the state treasury, signed by a person whose name I've never bothered to notice.
Also, there's the twist of "I don't like to receive money I don't feel I've earned, but I'm happy to give charitable donations to organizations who distribute it to 'the needy', and I occasionally give directly to individuals." Why do I think the recipients of my charity don't have the same feelings as I do? Why do I claim control in the situation? Do I strip their dignity by denying them a fair exchange? How can I change that system of unreciprocated charity? There is value in work, and receiving fair compensation for it. There is also value in cheerful donations to those in need.
Focusing in more on the previous post's quote, what about the fact that giving a donation (cheerful or obligatory) can feel like I've done my duty and can check "service to the poor and/or needy" off my list? In our currency-driven economy, money is necessary, but it's so much easier to replace love, compassion, personal contact and attention, with a donation. Or a cup of coffee. Or some change scrounged out from the bottom of my purse, in a hurried moment of interaction while I hold my breath and try to make sense of the babbling, wondering what is true and what is lie and what is mental illness? It doesn't get to the bottom. Can we ever "get to the bottom" of the problems? Are there any solutions?
It makes me think of the concept of "kingdom efficiency" again. That while God was on earth, he spent his good 'ministry years' hanging out with a rag-tag crew of people who didn't really understand what it was all about until after he died.
This morning I woke up remembering a time in high school where I made it quite evident to the entire student body how unloving and self-righteous I was. And I didn't even realize it. Sure, I was just 16, but I thought I had it together. The crazy thing is, until that moment this morning I had only been embarrassed by that memory on a personal level, not ashamed and repentant.
I guess what I'm getting at is: more love, less efficiency.
Money is necessary in our currency-driven economies. It's just one more thing to figure out how to use as an agent of love and service, and not to assume that I know what's best, or think that it exists to serve me.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
micro-charity at home (and abroad?)
"The sad fact is, distant acts of macro-charity will always be easier. As much as we're told that money has its hold on society, time and empathy are the real commodities people are unwilling to part with. We're all for helping the broken and downtrodden, just not on our ride home after a long day. The life Jesus actually calls us to... is one that gets down in the muck of the human experience and live with the people there...
"While supporting global cuases is both necessary and noble, we can't be self-satisfied in our efforts if we ignore the hurting people around us... Am I being naive in believing we can make a difference locally without sacrificing our concern globally? ... will we take a risk to put a face to the problems we give lip service to?"
-Adam Smith, "Bus Stops and Missed Opportunities" Relevant Magazine, Nov-Dec 2008
You probably know that I'm often wondering about what I'll do after my year in Bogota. Will one year turn into two, a few, several, a life? Or will it be: one year? Will I go to another country, or return to my own? If I come back to live in the States, I wonder which one I'll go to, and what I'll do. Work? Study? Live in community? Live on a farm in exchange for my labor? Come back to Greensboro?
This is where that cry for FOCUS! comes back in, and article's like Smith's in Relevant this month make me question the practice of leaving our homelands to go work with people in other places. A note, though: the author is an American currently living in New Zealand. Maybe the "hurting people around us" really can be just whoever is around me, regardless of where I am? Maybe my location matters less than my actions? But as long as I'm here, I can't defer my "helping the broken and downtrodden", putting it off for February.
I already feel myself pulling back a bit here in Greensboro. I'm standing against it -- trying to stay connected and involved -- but there are some things that seem less important than they would if I were going to be staying around for more than just another month.
I love Greensboro, and it's been a great home, and it's been especially beautiful to me this year, knowing I'm leaving it. But there is definitely a part of me that thinks I won't be moving back to the Gate City. I can't say yet if I think I'll be moving back to N.C., or to the U.S. of A.
I'm thankful I don't have to know yet.
I'll try to reflect on the money aspect of that excerpt in another post.
"While supporting global cuases is both necessary and noble, we can't be self-satisfied in our efforts if we ignore the hurting people around us... Am I being naive in believing we can make a difference locally without sacrificing our concern globally? ... will we take a risk to put a face to the problems we give lip service to?"
-Adam Smith, "Bus Stops and Missed Opportunities" Relevant Magazine, Nov-Dec 2008
You probably know that I'm often wondering about what I'll do after my year in Bogota. Will one year turn into two, a few, several, a life? Or will it be: one year? Will I go to another country, or return to my own? If I come back to live in the States, I wonder which one I'll go to, and what I'll do. Work? Study? Live in community? Live on a farm in exchange for my labor? Come back to Greensboro?
This is where that cry for FOCUS! comes back in, and article's like Smith's in Relevant this month make me question the practice of leaving our homelands to go work with people in other places. A note, though: the author is an American currently living in New Zealand. Maybe the "hurting people around us" really can be just whoever is around me, regardless of where I am? Maybe my location matters less than my actions? But as long as I'm here, I can't defer my "helping the broken and downtrodden", putting it off for February.
I already feel myself pulling back a bit here in Greensboro. I'm standing against it -- trying to stay connected and involved -- but there are some things that seem less important than they would if I were going to be staying around for more than just another month.
I love Greensboro, and it's been a great home, and it's been especially beautiful to me this year, knowing I'm leaving it. But there is definitely a part of me that thinks I won't be moving back to the Gate City. I can't say yet if I think I'll be moving back to N.C., or to the U.S. of A.
I'm thankful I don't have to know yet.
I'll try to reflect on the money aspect of that excerpt in another post.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
"Merry Christmas, America! Who did we get?" and Empathy
"America has sent a good message to the world. ... Yesterday I received about ten phone calls from Ghana asking me if it was true, or if the media was lying to them." Was the U.S., in fact, electing an African-American as the head of state?
Talking politics with my Ghanain co-worker this season has been fun. Even though he won't become a citizen until next year and, therefore, couldn't vote, he's been one of the most enthusiastic followers of the campaigning. Every day I saw him at work he asked me if I'd heard the latest news, or if I'd watched the debate, or if I'd finally made up my mind. Once he even offered to make me some cream puffs if I would just make my decision (but I never got them...).
Driving home from work Tuesday night, I felt like it was Christmas Eve -- I'd go to bed and wake up to brightly-wrapped, red and blue results, brought to us all by voters, hard-working volunteers and news-broadcasters.
That morning, the community recreation center across from my house was transformed into a polling place, and the parking lot was full when I got up at 7:00 a.m. Walking around near my church later in the morning, inviting local business owners and employees to join us for a week of prayer for the city, was delightful. First, the receptionist next door to our rented space expressed gratitude for the invitation and concern for the election. "Are you all open for prayer today? I feel a real need for prayer this morning." The waiting taxi drivers down the block watched the news as Obama cast his vote, and asked who we'd voted for. Jovial and friendly, they took information about the times of open prayer. I hope to see some of them next week.
I want to feel joy with them, and concern for our country and world with Donna, too.
Is this similar to Paul's saying in 1 Corinthians 9, "Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings" ?
To empathize, to feel with others?
Talking politics with my Ghanain co-worker this season has been fun. Even though he won't become a citizen until next year and, therefore, couldn't vote, he's been one of the most enthusiastic followers of the campaigning. Every day I saw him at work he asked me if I'd heard the latest news, or if I'd watched the debate, or if I'd finally made up my mind. Once he even offered to make me some cream puffs if I would just make my decision (but I never got them...).
Driving home from work Tuesday night, I felt like it was Christmas Eve -- I'd go to bed and wake up to brightly-wrapped, red and blue results, brought to us all by voters, hard-working volunteers and news-broadcasters.
That morning, the community recreation center across from my house was transformed into a polling place, and the parking lot was full when I got up at 7:00 a.m. Walking around near my church later in the morning, inviting local business owners and employees to join us for a week of prayer for the city, was delightful. First, the receptionist next door to our rented space expressed gratitude for the invitation and concern for the election. "Are you all open for prayer today? I feel a real need for prayer this morning." The waiting taxi drivers down the block watched the news as Obama cast his vote, and asked who we'd voted for. Jovial and friendly, they took information about the times of open prayer. I hope to see some of them next week.
I want to feel joy with them, and concern for our country and world with Donna, too.
Is this similar to Paul's saying in 1 Corinthians 9, "Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings" ?
To empathize, to feel with others?
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