Today he came to the visit.
The eldest brother.
The only one not under the care and protection of the ministry (not for lack of desire on our part).
We saw seeds of bitterness, sprouting resentment, and an ever-more-quickly-growing hardness: a shell of protection from all the rejection.
And it became clear to me that, the person who takes him in, as Rebecca and I did with J., has to be a man.
J. first needed a mother figure, a mother’s love. But M. needs a father. Can’t trust women yet. They have all betrayed him, have never fulfilled what they should’ve done and been. Also, he needs the firmness of male authority.
God, provide!
“The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread.” (Isaiah 51:14)
Again, I choose to believe this promise that God gave me for M. He is the Lord. In its time, he will do this swiftly. (Is. 60:22)
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Love.Hope.Risk.
Today was the Parent Visit. The Monthly Parent Visit. The Christmas Parent Visit.
Emotions were running high. There is an intensity, a tension, that comes along with foster care and the relationship that the children have with their families.
Yesterday afternoon I was going to lie down for a much-needed rest for a little while. The small children were sleeping, and the older girls had some vacation homework to do. I told L., “I’m going to rest. When you finish this section, remember that you need to make a card for your mom. It was her birthday last week.”
I don’t know why I announce my intentions to rest. It seems like whenever I do, it backfires. These kids don’t want me to sleep, or what?
“But why bother if she didn’t even come to the last two visits…” she mumbled.
“She’s your mom and it was her birthday. Besides, she knows that tomorrow is the visit and is going to be there.”
“Are you sure?” she challenged. I couldn’t guarantee her, because her mom spends most of her time on the streets and has little concept of what day it is. But Bibiana saw her recently and the mom did pledge to be at the next visit. “I don’t know why I have to make her a card if she doesn’t even go.”
“I know it hurts, L., but do you know why she said she didn’t go the last two months?” I started, but she was having nothing of it.
The answer, which Bibi had already explained to L. (after the mother told her), is that she’s embarrassed to go without any gift for her pre-teen daughter. Not even a bag of chips. She typically works all day just to pay her daily expenses: her pieza -- the room she stays at, paying a minimal fee per night to have a bed and a place to keep her things -- and a little something to eat. L's mom needs to know that her presence is more important than bringing a gift, but L needs to help her understand by not always asking what she brought.
“I don’t know why you all always have to be like that…” L. covered her ears with her hands to keep from hearing reason. “Fine! I’ll make the card, but if she doesn’t show, I don’t care! Yes, I do care--”
“If she doesn't show up, it will hurt, but it’s important, L.”
Tensions mounted, I sent her to her room to calm down, and went to mine.
We both cried.
Goodbye, nap time.
But after a few minutes I heard her leave to continue with homework, and I kept talking with God, and started reading. At one point I left my room for something and saw her making the birthday card. After re-reading a chapter from a book – one of the times it makes me glad that I pack heavy and bring books – I wrote L. a letter.
I told her how brave she is for making that card, for choosing to love, for choosing to hope, for risking that much. I translated and paraphrased part of Rob Bell’s book, Sex God, where he talks about just that, the risk of loving.
“The story the Bible tells is of a living being who loves and who continues to love even when that love is not returned. A God who refuses to override our freedom, who respects our power to decide whether to reciprocate, a God who lets us make the next move.
Love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don’t want it. That’s why it’s such a crushing ache on the inside. We gave away a part of ourselves and it wasn’t wanted. …
Jesus is God coming to us in love. Sheer unadulterated, unfiltered love. Stripped of everything that could get in the way. Naked and vulnerable, hanging on a cross, asking the question, “What will you do with me?” …
The cross is God’s way of saying, “I know what it’s like.” …
This can transform our experience of heartbreak. … If God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.”
When we love much, when we hope much, it hurts much.
1 Corinthians 13:7 says that love ALWAYS HOPES.
Hopes against hope, against all reason, against all odds, against past mistakes.
That’s why it’s so scary -- so scary to hope, so scary to love. We know that there is a very high probability that we will end up hurt. But Bell also says, “The cross is where we present our wounds to God and say, ‘Here, you take them.’”
I choose hope.
By the way, when we arrived to the visit today, L.’s mom, dad, and older sister were all there waiting for us.
It was still hard for her to visibly express her joy and relief. But sometimes, Hope wins, Faith brings joy, Love is worth it.
Emotions were running high. There is an intensity, a tension, that comes along with foster care and the relationship that the children have with their families.
Yesterday afternoon I was going to lie down for a much-needed rest for a little while. The small children were sleeping, and the older girls had some vacation homework to do. I told L., “I’m going to rest. When you finish this section, remember that you need to make a card for your mom. It was her birthday last week.”
I don’t know why I announce my intentions to rest. It seems like whenever I do, it backfires. These kids don’t want me to sleep, or what?
“But why bother if she didn’t even come to the last two visits…” she mumbled.
“She’s your mom and it was her birthday. Besides, she knows that tomorrow is the visit and is going to be there.”
“Are you sure?” she challenged. I couldn’t guarantee her, because her mom spends most of her time on the streets and has little concept of what day it is. But Bibiana saw her recently and the mom did pledge to be at the next visit. “I don’t know why I have to make her a card if she doesn’t even go.”
“I know it hurts, L., but do you know why she said she didn’t go the last two months?” I started, but she was having nothing of it.
The answer, which Bibi had already explained to L. (after the mother told her), is that she’s embarrassed to go without any gift for her pre-teen daughter. Not even a bag of chips. She typically works all day just to pay her daily expenses: her pieza -- the room she stays at, paying a minimal fee per night to have a bed and a place to keep her things -- and a little something to eat. L's mom needs to know that her presence is more important than bringing a gift, but L needs to help her understand by not always asking what she brought.
“I don’t know why you all always have to be like that…” L. covered her ears with her hands to keep from hearing reason. “Fine! I’ll make the card, but if she doesn’t show, I don’t care! Yes, I do care--”
“If she doesn't show up, it will hurt, but it’s important, L.”
Tensions mounted, I sent her to her room to calm down, and went to mine.
We both cried.
Goodbye, nap time.
But after a few minutes I heard her leave to continue with homework, and I kept talking with God, and started reading. At one point I left my room for something and saw her making the birthday card. After re-reading a chapter from a book – one of the times it makes me glad that I pack heavy and bring books – I wrote L. a letter.
I told her how brave she is for making that card, for choosing to love, for choosing to hope, for risking that much. I translated and paraphrased part of Rob Bell’s book, Sex God, where he talks about just that, the risk of loving.
“The story the Bible tells is of a living being who loves and who continues to love even when that love is not returned. A God who refuses to override our freedom, who respects our power to decide whether to reciprocate, a God who lets us make the next move.
Love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don’t want it. That’s why it’s such a crushing ache on the inside. We gave away a part of ourselves and it wasn’t wanted. …
Jesus is God coming to us in love. Sheer unadulterated, unfiltered love. Stripped of everything that could get in the way. Naked and vulnerable, hanging on a cross, asking the question, “What will you do with me?” …
The cross is God’s way of saying, “I know what it’s like.” …
This can transform our experience of heartbreak. … If God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.”
When we love much, when we hope much, it hurts much.
1 Corinthians 13:7 says that love ALWAYS HOPES.
Hopes against hope, against all reason, against all odds, against past mistakes.
That’s why it’s so scary -- so scary to hope, so scary to love. We know that there is a very high probability that we will end up hurt. But Bell also says, “The cross is where we present our wounds to God and say, ‘Here, you take them.’”
I choose hope.
By the way, when we arrived to the visit today, L.’s mom, dad, and older sister were all there waiting for us.
It was still hard for her to visibly express her joy and relief. But sometimes, Hope wins, Faith brings joy, Love is worth it.
"I am not angry."
Sitting by the creek, I asked without words what my problem was;
Both wanted and didn’t want a response.
Hoped that the river’s music would soothe my soul like David’s harp;
That I wouldn’t have to ask the hard questions, nor face the facts.
Knew that when I awoke earlier, I asked a question and received an answer:
What do I need to walk?
What do I need to get rid of in order to walk it?
Idols and idolatry.
I only read Isaiah 27 because that’s where I had left off the last time, but
The Word of God is full of life,
always applicable,
a double-edged sword.
“Sing about a fruitful vineyard:
I, the LORD, watch over it.
I water it continually.
I guard it day and night
So that no one may harm it.
I AM NOT ANGRY.
If only there were briers and thorns confronting me!
I would march against them in battle;
I would set them all on fire.
Or else let them come to me for refuge;
Let them make peasce with me,
Yes, let them make peace with me.
…
By this then, will Jacob’s guilt be atoned for,
And this will be the FULL FRUITAGE of the removal of his sin:
When he makes all the altar stones
to be like chalk stones crushed to pieces,
no Asherah poles or incense altars
will be left standing.”
One:
GOD IS NOT ANGRY.
I am angry. With myself more than with anyone else. For not being able to live in the present. For not obeying, for my own good. For forgetting again. For having habits that are hard to break.
But God is not angry with me.
I’m not sure what his emotion is… sadness? Wistfulness? Jealous desire?
God is not angry!
Maybe I can forgive myself as well, stop being angry at myself for not being perfect.
Two:
The FULL FRUITAGE of the removal of sin.
In other words: Yes, I’m already forgiven.
But I still have action to take for my atonement to be complete: Getting rid of idols and idolatry.
It would be a lot easier for me if they were physical idols. A statue, a possession…
If I were Hindu, it wouldn’t be easy though. It wasn’t any easier for the Israelites to get rid of their stone altars, because we all truly believe that we NEED our idols.
Both wanted and didn’t want a response.
Hoped that the river’s music would soothe my soul like David’s harp;
That I wouldn’t have to ask the hard questions, nor face the facts.
Knew that when I awoke earlier, I asked a question and received an answer:
What do I need to walk?
What do I need to get rid of in order to walk it?
Idols and idolatry.
I only read Isaiah 27 because that’s where I had left off the last time, but
The Word of God is full of life,
always applicable,
a double-edged sword.
“Sing about a fruitful vineyard:
I, the LORD, watch over it.
I water it continually.
I guard it day and night
So that no one may harm it.
I AM NOT ANGRY.
If only there were briers and thorns confronting me!
I would march against them in battle;
I would set them all on fire.
Or else let them come to me for refuge;
Let them make peasce with me,
Yes, let them make peace with me.
…
By this then, will Jacob’s guilt be atoned for,
And this will be the FULL FRUITAGE of the removal of his sin:
When he makes all the altar stones
to be like chalk stones crushed to pieces,
no Asherah poles or incense altars
will be left standing.”
One:
GOD IS NOT ANGRY.
I am angry. With myself more than with anyone else. For not being able to live in the present. For not obeying, for my own good. For forgetting again. For having habits that are hard to break.
But God is not angry with me.
I’m not sure what his emotion is… sadness? Wistfulness? Jealous desire?
God is not angry!
Maybe I can forgive myself as well, stop being angry at myself for not being perfect.
Two:
The FULL FRUITAGE of the removal of sin.
In other words: Yes, I’m already forgiven.
But I still have action to take for my atonement to be complete: Getting rid of idols and idolatry.
It would be a lot easier for me if they were physical idols. A statue, a possession…
If I were Hindu, it wouldn’t be easy though. It wasn’t any easier for the Israelites to get rid of their stone altars, because we all truly believe that we NEED our idols.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
I live in the mountains.
I live in the mountains. Beautiful, green mountains that play with the clouds passing by. Within walking distance of a lovely creek, full of boulders and icy water and bordered by trees and moss and flowers. Half-an-hour from a city that is home to more people than live in my entire state of origin, and to which I can easily arrive on public transportation.
I live in the mountains, and I always wanted to live in the mountains. That means some rainy days, which means mud. It means being a bit isolated and maybe feeling out of touch with the rest of the population sometimes. It means amazing views out of my windows.
I live in the mountains, and I want to fully appreciate that. To take advantage of the glory all around me. Today I went to said creek, with the intention of doing nothing other than sitting on a big rock for a while, which I did. (Unfortunately, I have some fears about being alone in nature now... the residual effect of being mugged over a year ago.) I tried to get out to a few different rocks, but wasn't able to, due to the size of the stream after recent rains. I crossed over the log bridge to look for another rock, reached it, and stayed a while.
I live in the mountains and I have a good God. I hope to make more frequent trips to the river, to hear the sound of rushing waters, like the sound of the voice of God. Somedays, like this one, will be when I feel sad. Other days, I hope, will be only to enjoy it and spend time with my Father. To bless his heart and enjoy his presence.
I live in the mountains, and I always wanted to live in the mountains. That means some rainy days, which means mud. It means being a bit isolated and maybe feeling out of touch with the rest of the population sometimes. It means amazing views out of my windows.
I live in the mountains, and I want to fully appreciate that. To take advantage of the glory all around me. Today I went to said creek, with the intention of doing nothing other than sitting on a big rock for a while, which I did. (Unfortunately, I have some fears about being alone in nature now... the residual effect of being mugged over a year ago.) I tried to get out to a few different rocks, but wasn't able to, due to the size of the stream after recent rains. I crossed over the log bridge to look for another rock, reached it, and stayed a while.
I live in the mountains and I have a good God. I hope to make more frequent trips to the river, to hear the sound of rushing waters, like the sound of the voice of God. Somedays, like this one, will be when I feel sad. Other days, I hope, will be only to enjoy it and spend time with my Father. To bless his heart and enjoy his presence.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
The spring that never fails
"The LORD will guide you always, he will satisfy you in a sun-scorched land and strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, a stream whose water never fails." Isaiah 58:11
This morning I stood in church and listened to the songs, realizing that, beyond just being tired, I've gotten out of balance this week. Have I been avoiding God? Or just too busy doing, or to tired from doing, to set apart the time I need in order to be in relationship with the spring that never fails.
I rejected my spring of living water and dug a cracked cistern, that doesn't hold water.
This was the first time since being back from the DTS that I felt dry... in a sun-scorched land? I turn back to the spring. He will strengthen me, even when I'm tired. He will satisfy me; I'm not meant to live just getting by. ABUNDANT LIFE is what I want, and what he's offering!
This morning I stood in church and listened to the songs, realizing that, beyond just being tired, I've gotten out of balance this week. Have I been avoiding God? Or just too busy doing, or to tired from doing, to set apart the time I need in order to be in relationship with the spring that never fails.
I rejected my spring of living water and dug a cracked cistern, that doesn't hold water.
This was the first time since being back from the DTS that I felt dry... in a sun-scorched land? I turn back to the spring. He will strengthen me, even when I'm tired. He will satisfy me; I'm not meant to live just getting by. ABUNDANT LIFE is what I want, and what he's offering!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thanksgiving!
Reasons why this is the best holiday:
Roast turkey + gravy + potatoes + stuffing + cranberry sauce + green bean casserole + tossed salad + waldorf salad + coleslaw + yams + corn + spinach + bread.
BREATHER in the form of playing Apples to Apples.
Then:
Pumpkin pie + apple pie + peach cobbler + chocolate cream pie + coffee.
Mix this with a lot of people, and it's hard to beat!
The only thing missing was the red wine, my grandma's cranberry relish, and more pumpkin pie on my plate!
Christmas is a close second because:
It's an entire month, not just a day. There is lots of decoration. It has its own music! More awesome food. More time with family and friends.
Hooray for Thanksgiving and Christmas!
Roast turkey + gravy + potatoes + stuffing + cranberry sauce + green bean casserole + tossed salad + waldorf salad + coleslaw + yams + corn + spinach + bread.
BREATHER in the form of playing Apples to Apples.
Then:
Pumpkin pie + apple pie + peach cobbler + chocolate cream pie + coffee.
Mix this with a lot of people, and it's hard to beat!
The only thing missing was the red wine, my grandma's cranberry relish, and more pumpkin pie on my plate!
Christmas is a close second because:
It's an entire month, not just a day. There is lots of decoration. It has its own music! More awesome food. More time with family and friends.
Hooray for Thanksgiving and Christmas!
Friday, November 19, 2010
The American Dream
I remember when I wanted the American Dream.
To be "happily married" with a house, kids, and a white picket fence. I remember once when (a friend) said he'd totally marry (another friend of ours) and that she would really be into THAT picturesque life. And I thought to myself, "Don't you see that's what I want, too??"
And not that I've given it up... I've just seriously tweaked the idea.
I always thought that I would get married as soon as I graduated from college. That was my dream. But I didn't even know what I wanted at that point. Do I now?
When I see pictures of my peers, of former classmates and summer-camp friends, married with a couple of kids, and happy, there IS a part of me that wants that. But I want it here, in Colombia. Or I want it more mobile. I want it less-traditional -- with a menagerie of children-seeking-family, just like I seek family.
Yes, I have family, but is it enough? And they're far away. (Yes, this has been my choice, but I still miss them and still need family.) The ministry I'm a part of is supposed to be a "family ministry", but that should mean for me, for the staff as well, not only for the kids we take care of.
If I were living at "home" in the States, married, with a house and a couple of children... would I wonder what happened to my dreams?
If I had married when I graduated from college, single and unsure what my dreams were, I probably would not be here right now. And at some point, either now or in another twenty-five years, I probably would feel frustrated.
And maybe my friend could see, even before I knew it, that I would not be satisfied with that life. That, ever since God first spoke to me about mothering abandonded children, while I was still a child, I've carried that dream inside me. That I would have to follow that calling, to transform the "family model" I've known, to let God shape something out of this clay that will really be both beautiful and useful, not frustrated and little. To start from scratch, to take me to my full potential, even when I would've been okay with all I'd ever known.
This crazy dream I'm living is not the typical rendition of the American Dream. But in the sense of chasing your passion and making it happen... it is.
I honestly cannot imagine myself doing anything else at this point. Therefore I don't think it's insane, although it may seem that way to others.
Difficult? most definitely.
Worth it? that is my hope.
Enjoyable? I want to enjoy every day, as I wait to see how this American's Dreams will take shape in the future.
To be "happily married" with a house, kids, and a white picket fence. I remember once when (a friend) said he'd totally marry (another friend of ours) and that she would really be into THAT picturesque life. And I thought to myself, "Don't you see that's what I want, too??"
And not that I've given it up... I've just seriously tweaked the idea.
I always thought that I would get married as soon as I graduated from college. That was my dream. But I didn't even know what I wanted at that point. Do I now?
When I see pictures of my peers, of former classmates and summer-camp friends, married with a couple of kids, and happy, there IS a part of me that wants that. But I want it here, in Colombia. Or I want it more mobile. I want it less-traditional -- with a menagerie of children-seeking-family, just like I seek family.
Yes, I have family, but is it enough? And they're far away. (Yes, this has been my choice, but I still miss them and still need family.) The ministry I'm a part of is supposed to be a "family ministry", but that should mean for me, for the staff as well, not only for the kids we take care of.
If I were living at "home" in the States, married, with a house and a couple of children... would I wonder what happened to my dreams?
If I had married when I graduated from college, single and unsure what my dreams were, I probably would not be here right now. And at some point, either now or in another twenty-five years, I probably would feel frustrated.
And maybe my friend could see, even before I knew it, that I would not be satisfied with that life. That, ever since God first spoke to me about mothering abandonded children, while I was still a child, I've carried that dream inside me. That I would have to follow that calling, to transform the "family model" I've known, to let God shape something out of this clay that will really be both beautiful and useful, not frustrated and little. To start from scratch, to take me to my full potential, even when I would've been okay with all I'd ever known.
This crazy dream I'm living is not the typical rendition of the American Dream. But in the sense of chasing your passion and making it happen... it is.
I honestly cannot imagine myself doing anything else at this point. Therefore I don't think it's insane, although it may seem that way to others.
Difficult? most definitely.
Worth it? that is my hope.
Enjoyable? I want to enjoy every day, as I wait to see how this American's Dreams will take shape in the future.
Monday, November 15, 2010
I'm pressing on...
Waiting.
Joy.
Prayer and meditation.
Activism. Hyperactivism.
Intercessory prayer: Standing in the gap for others.
Agape.
At least I'm growing. In motion. If we ever stop moving, life would be extremely boring. Not that I always move FORWARD, progress. And not that I go in the direction I want to... sometimes I think that's the most frustrating bit. What I set my mind to do, but then can't do because I have to learn and it's a process... or what I wish I could do, but the doors are closed to me... or what I want to grow in, but don't want to have to pass through the process.
The Desire for Immediate Gratification and the Idea that This Will Make Me Happy
vs.
Joy in the Process of Learning and Growing
What IS joy?
The joy of the Lord is our strength.
Jesus told us that we are loved, and we can remain in the Father's presence in order to make our joy complete.
Delight yourself in the Lord.
Hephzibah: My delight is in her. I am God's delight... ?!!
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus... who for the joy set before him endured the cross.
Hosea 6:3
"Let us acknowledge (KNOW) the LORD;
let us press on to acknowledge (to KNOW) him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth"
Joy.
Prayer and meditation.
Activism. Hyperactivism.
Intercessory prayer: Standing in the gap for others.
Agape.
At least I'm growing. In motion. If we ever stop moving, life would be extremely boring. Not that I always move FORWARD, progress. And not that I go in the direction I want to... sometimes I think that's the most frustrating bit. What I set my mind to do, but then can't do because I have to learn and it's a process... or what I wish I could do, but the doors are closed to me... or what I want to grow in, but don't want to have to pass through the process.
The Desire for Immediate Gratification and the Idea that This Will Make Me Happy
vs.
Joy in the Process of Learning and Growing
What IS joy?
The joy of the Lord is our strength.
Jesus told us that we are loved, and we can remain in the Father's presence in order to make our joy complete.
Delight yourself in the Lord.
Hephzibah: My delight is in her. I am God's delight... ?!!
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus... who for the joy set before him endured the cross.
Hosea 6:3
"Let us acknowledge (KNOW) the LORD;
let us press on to acknowledge (to KNOW) him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth"
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
present tense
I went away last weekend to a town called Anolaima. I wanted to swim and ride horses or at least a bike, to walk all over and do do do as much as possible in a short amount of time... but it rained. Which, it turned out, is what I really wanted and needed, because I got to sleep! I stayed with two friends, didn't have to sleep alone, woke up at 9:00(!), sat in a rocking chair and sketched a dying tree and prayed and RESTED. How wonderful that rest is just another beautiful part of God's creation!
Revelation during that time off: When I live thinking about the future I never actually enjoy that future when it arrives, because I'm immediately contemplating (or stressing) about the NEXT future!
Therefore, I am a few days into breaking this bad habit and learning to live in the present. How long will it take to break a 25-year-old bad habit and replace it with a good one?
When God spoke to me in Jeremiah 29, I felt him say "Live your Life, in the time and place where I have you! Don't hold back waiting for the future you long for!" That's when I wanted to cry, even though it was good to know God was answering my prayers. Tonight at small group (there's another answer to prayer... we're starting to get together to pray and encourage each other here at the farm!), Tony prayed thanking God that His will isn't only good for Him, it's also good for us. That is truly amazing. I choose to trust it, even when it goes against my will and wishes for immediate gratification.
Revelation brings conviction brings action. I don't necesarily know HOW to do this, but that's okay. In fact, I think that's part of the point... less self-sufficiency, more relying on God.
I apologize to the grammar nerds who thought that this post would be all in present tense. That would've been clever of me, but not as natural. :P
Revelation during that time off: When I live thinking about the future I never actually enjoy that future when it arrives, because I'm immediately contemplating (or stressing) about the NEXT future!
Therefore, I am a few days into breaking this bad habit and learning to live in the present. How long will it take to break a 25-year-old bad habit and replace it with a good one?
When God spoke to me in Jeremiah 29, I felt him say "Live your Life, in the time and place where I have you! Don't hold back waiting for the future you long for!" That's when I wanted to cry, even though it was good to know God was answering my prayers. Tonight at small group (there's another answer to prayer... we're starting to get together to pray and encourage each other here at the farm!), Tony prayed thanking God that His will isn't only good for Him, it's also good for us. That is truly amazing. I choose to trust it, even when it goes against my will and wishes for immediate gratification.
Revelation brings conviction brings action. I don't necesarily know HOW to do this, but that's okay. In fact, I think that's part of the point... less self-sufficiency, more relying on God.
I apologize to the grammar nerds who thought that this post would be all in present tense. That would've been clever of me, but not as natural. :P
Saturday, October 30, 2010
consequences
Parenting is difficult. I know that's not a new idea, but it's becoming more and more real in my life.
We set rules and guidelines, and the decisions that the kids make bring them consequences, whether positive or negative. For example, L. didn't do her homework and her chore in time, so she didn't get to watch the movie. Bummer.
Li'l J. went into our bathroom (again) and filled up the liquid soap dispenser with water (again). Since it doesn't seem to make a difference that we've told him several times that he can't play with water, filling things with water (the toothpaste tube, the toothbrush holder, our soap dispenser...), he got a "pow pow". Bummer.
The older girls have an opportunity to earn an allowance every week, if they do all the chores we ask them to do (things like making their beds, doing their homework, helping take out the trash... basic stuff), and if they remind us to check off their list so we can all see what they've done and not. But when they don't tell us "Look, I cleaned up the bathroom, please check off the list" then they don't earn as much money. Bummer.
When I have to confront a kid for lying, or for not doing homework, or for disobeying, I have to follow through with the negative consequences promised. Plus, they lose our trust. Bummer.
When I speak in frustration and stress, it affects the kids and then we don't make any positive progress... except, I suppose, that I get another opportunity to learn about humility, apologizing, and working on relationship and communication.
We set rules and guidelines, and the decisions that the kids make bring them consequences, whether positive or negative. For example, L. didn't do her homework and her chore in time, so she didn't get to watch the movie. Bummer.
Li'l J. went into our bathroom (again) and filled up the liquid soap dispenser with water (again). Since it doesn't seem to make a difference that we've told him several times that he can't play with water, filling things with water (the toothpaste tube, the toothbrush holder, our soap dispenser...), he got a "pow pow". Bummer.
The older girls have an opportunity to earn an allowance every week, if they do all the chores we ask them to do (things like making their beds, doing their homework, helping take out the trash... basic stuff), and if they remind us to check off their list so we can all see what they've done and not. But when they don't tell us "Look, I cleaned up the bathroom, please check off the list" then they don't earn as much money. Bummer.
When I have to confront a kid for lying, or for not doing homework, or for disobeying, I have to follow through with the negative consequences promised. Plus, they lose our trust. Bummer.
When I speak in frustration and stress, it affects the kids and then we don't make any positive progress... except, I suppose, that I get another opportunity to learn about humility, apologizing, and working on relationship and communication.
Friday, October 22, 2010
"Day Off" collage
Hot chocolate, bread and butter, cheese.
Cool and rainy outside; the buses and taxis pass by.
Warm and ivory inside; a booth to myself; pictures of Bogota in days gone by.
Day after difficulties; the tip of the iceburg pierced deep, leaving a hole.
Pen on paper; deep cries out to deep.
Failure? Purpose? Calling?: Questions.
Jeremiah 29:4-14.
Almost-tears in a downtown cafe.
"I've seen enough to know you're my only hope, I don't want to go... if you're not with me." -Chris Tomlin
Cool and rainy outside; the buses and taxis pass by.
Warm and ivory inside; a booth to myself; pictures of Bogota in days gone by.
Day after difficulties; the tip of the iceburg pierced deep, leaving a hole.
Pen on paper; deep cries out to deep.
Failure? Purpose? Calling?: Questions.
Jeremiah 29:4-14.
Almost-tears in a downtown cafe.
"I've seen enough to know you're my only hope, I don't want to go... if you're not with me." -Chris Tomlin
Friday, October 15, 2010
Beautiful
This song, by Bethany Dillon, expresses the "existential anguish" that I sometimes feel and the only satisfactory answer to this struggle:
"I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
...
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory
...
You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful."
In church last Sunday the pastor spoke about orphanhood versus son/daughterhood. The mentality of an orphan is that you have to EARN love. It is the spirit behind guilt-based works and life. This spiritual orphanhood, even for those who are God's adopted children (John 1:12 -- to all who believe he gives the right to become children of God), inhibits our fullness of life and our freedom to be ourselves.
If you haven't already self-identified with any of this (as I did as soon as the pastor started speaking!), ask yourself this question:
Do I feel loved, accepted, and valued for who I am, just as I am?
The TRUTH is that we are.
But to what point have we believed the lie, and let the brokenness become part of us, until we think that it's just natural and there's no way of escaping the orphanhood?
Holy Spirit, keep shining, bringing to light the lies that are so cleverly disguised. And break them! Replace them! Transform us through the renewal of our minds...
"I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
...
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory
...
You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful."
In church last Sunday the pastor spoke about orphanhood versus son/daughterhood. The mentality of an orphan is that you have to EARN love. It is the spirit behind guilt-based works and life. This spiritual orphanhood, even for those who are God's adopted children (John 1:12 -- to all who believe he gives the right to become children of God), inhibits our fullness of life and our freedom to be ourselves.
If you haven't already self-identified with any of this (as I did as soon as the pastor started speaking!), ask yourself this question:
Do I feel loved, accepted, and valued for who I am, just as I am?
The TRUTH is that we are.
But to what point have we believed the lie, and let the brokenness become part of us, until we think that it's just natural and there's no way of escaping the orphanhood?
Holy Spirit, keep shining, bringing to light the lies that are so cleverly disguised. And break them! Replace them! Transform us through the renewal of our minds...
Friday, October 8, 2010
le'ts put that theory in action...
Over the last few years, I've come across a couple of author's theories that really impacted me. They've come back to mind lately, so I thought I'd review them here:
1. Living ontologically
Obviously, this is where my blog title came from, and I got it from a book by Madeleine L'Engle, called "A Circle of Quiet."
Ontology is the study of the very BEING of something. In her book she mentions Moses and the burning bush, and how God was able to use the bush because it was BEING ALL THAT IT WAS MADE TO BE, no more and no less.
That is the goal.
This week I started reading the gospel of John again, and John the Baptist stood out to me as someone who really got it. When they asked him who he was and when they told him that Jesus was baptizing (aka. he's threatening your ministry, taking your place, making you less special and unique) J the B wasn't ashamed. He stated, "I'm the voice of one calling in the wilderness 'prepare the way of the Lord'." Nothing more, nothing less. "Just" a voice. Being exactly what he was created to be.
2. Life boat theory
This comes from a book by Donald Miller, called "Searching for God Knows What." His premise is that most of us, most of the time, live with the feeling that we have to prove ourselves worthy of acceptance and love and life. Therefore we try to use our looks or our abilities or our actions to impress others so they'll say we're good enough.
Imagine a shipwreck, and all the passengers ended up on the lifeboat, but there are not enough provisions for everyone to survive. Who gets thrown overboard and who gets to live? How do you decide?
We all think that we have to prove ourselves, or we'll be cast off and drown.
But Jesus came to invite us to a new "theory" -- not a new way to make sure to stay alive in the lifeboat, but rather to abandon ship.
This life is not a competition.
Trying to compete is exhausting and disappointing. I will never feel fulfilled and loved if I'm trying to prove myself worthy of it, or if I'm trying to make everyone happy, or if I'm trying to be the best at everything. That's what's so beautiful about Jesus: "God showed his love for us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ dies for us." ... "And it is a gift, it is not of yourselves, lest any men should boast."
'I love you I love you I love you I love you,' is what He says, 'and it has nothing to do with your performance. I will never throw you overboard because THERE IS NO LIFEBOAT.'
1. Living ontologically
Obviously, this is where my blog title came from, and I got it from a book by Madeleine L'Engle, called "A Circle of Quiet."
Ontology is the study of the very BEING of something. In her book she mentions Moses and the burning bush, and how God was able to use the bush because it was BEING ALL THAT IT WAS MADE TO BE, no more and no less.
That is the goal.
This week I started reading the gospel of John again, and John the Baptist stood out to me as someone who really got it. When they asked him who he was and when they told him that Jesus was baptizing (aka. he's threatening your ministry, taking your place, making you less special and unique) J the B wasn't ashamed. He stated, "I'm the voice of one calling in the wilderness 'prepare the way of the Lord'." Nothing more, nothing less. "Just" a voice. Being exactly what he was created to be.
2. Life boat theory
This comes from a book by Donald Miller, called "Searching for God Knows What." His premise is that most of us, most of the time, live with the feeling that we have to prove ourselves worthy of acceptance and love and life. Therefore we try to use our looks or our abilities or our actions to impress others so they'll say we're good enough.
Imagine a shipwreck, and all the passengers ended up on the lifeboat, but there are not enough provisions for everyone to survive. Who gets thrown overboard and who gets to live? How do you decide?
We all think that we have to prove ourselves, or we'll be cast off and drown.
But Jesus came to invite us to a new "theory" -- not a new way to make sure to stay alive in the lifeboat, but rather to abandon ship.
This life is not a competition.
Trying to compete is exhausting and disappointing. I will never feel fulfilled and loved if I'm trying to prove myself worthy of it, or if I'm trying to make everyone happy, or if I'm trying to be the best at everything. That's what's so beautiful about Jesus: "God showed his love for us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ dies for us." ... "And it is a gift, it is not of yourselves, lest any men should boast."
'I love you I love you I love you I love you,' is what He says, 'and it has nothing to do with your performance. I will never throw you overboard because THERE IS NO LIFEBOAT.'
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
i can't.
I can’t do everything that I want to do. No puedo hacer todo lo que quiero hacer.
It had nothing to do with the cake, this hiding in the bathroom and crying. It was about doing, and feeling unable to keep up. About not being self-sufficient. About needing more than a week to get back into the swing of things, plus the extra work from my new responsibilities. The fact that someone else had done something I planned to do, something I was capable of (cut the cake I brought to share at the meeting) just triggered the tears. I don’t like depending on others, but we’re called to live in community. Self-sufficiency is NOT a kingdom quality.
I want to really help, to really work, to really do all that I’m expected to. One problem there: I’ve been trying to do more than what I’m expected to, what I’ve been asked to do so far. All my life, I’ve struggled with others’ expectations. Problem: Those very “expectations” are usually what I imagine others are thinking, and can be way off-base. So, the stress I feel from others’ expectations is actually something I bring upon myself. It seems like I can’t meet my own expectations. They don’t expect me to be all of the kids’ favorite, or to do everything and never need help, or to remember everything, or to be able to keep the house immaculate.
And then, let’s get to (one) root of this problem: I’m called to BE first, and later, to DO… the stress comes into play when I get that turned around and focus on all that I have to do.
So I sat on the floor, wanting to run away, feeling like a failure because I can’t do all that others do; I can’t even do all that I did seven months ago. Crying from the frustration, from the self-condemnation, from the lies that I’m not good enough. Crying until I got to the point of saying, “I just need to BE for a while… just let me BE with You.” Until I could hear the truth that God brought me here so I’m good enough. Not because of what I can do, not because of what I know, but because He wants me here. And he wants me with Him. He just wants me to BE with Him. That, I can do. His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. So I will boast in my weakness, and boast in Christ, to His glory.
The next day? We walked all the way to L.’s school for a parent-teacher conference only to find that the teacher had left by the time we got there. When we arrived at the house, the washing machine water had spilled onto the floor, the toddler was crying, and the strong sun we’d had all morning long, that was going to dry the clothes I was washing, disappeared behind rain clouds for the rest of the day.
Oh well! Time to read, to pray, to play guitar, to cook, to clean, to be together with the kids. Time to be. There is a time for everything.
It had nothing to do with the cake, this hiding in the bathroom and crying. It was about doing, and feeling unable to keep up. About not being self-sufficient. About needing more than a week to get back into the swing of things, plus the extra work from my new responsibilities. The fact that someone else had done something I planned to do, something I was capable of (cut the cake I brought to share at the meeting) just triggered the tears. I don’t like depending on others, but we’re called to live in community. Self-sufficiency is NOT a kingdom quality.
I want to really help, to really work, to really do all that I’m expected to. One problem there: I’ve been trying to do more than what I’m expected to, what I’ve been asked to do so far. All my life, I’ve struggled with others’ expectations. Problem: Those very “expectations” are usually what I imagine others are thinking, and can be way off-base. So, the stress I feel from others’ expectations is actually something I bring upon myself. It seems like I can’t meet my own expectations. They don’t expect me to be all of the kids’ favorite, or to do everything and never need help, or to remember everything, or to be able to keep the house immaculate.
And then, let’s get to (one) root of this problem: I’m called to BE first, and later, to DO… the stress comes into play when I get that turned around and focus on all that I have to do.
So I sat on the floor, wanting to run away, feeling like a failure because I can’t do all that others do; I can’t even do all that I did seven months ago. Crying from the frustration, from the self-condemnation, from the lies that I’m not good enough. Crying until I got to the point of saying, “I just need to BE for a while… just let me BE with You.” Until I could hear the truth that God brought me here so I’m good enough. Not because of what I can do, not because of what I know, but because He wants me here. And he wants me with Him. He just wants me to BE with Him. That, I can do. His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. So I will boast in my weakness, and boast in Christ, to His glory.
The next day? We walked all the way to L.’s school for a parent-teacher conference only to find that the teacher had left by the time we got there. When we arrived at the house, the washing machine water had spilled onto the floor, the toddler was crying, and the strong sun we’d had all morning long, that was going to dry the clothes I was washing, disappeared behind rain clouds for the rest of the day.
Oh well! Time to read, to pray, to play guitar, to cook, to clean, to be together with the kids. Time to be. There is a time for everything.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I return, victorious!
I return to the world of blogspot.
I return to Bogota, Colombia.
I return to being a foster mom.
I return, but I am not the same...
Finishing the DTS felt like a victory, like an accomplishment. Leaving Pichilemu was signing off on a wonderful chapter of my story. Returning to Bogota was dreamlike and joyful.
Things have changed, but not as visibly as I expected. It feels... normal... to be here. Almost as though I'd never left.
I've completed one week back. It flew like a dove with a startled flutter and a whistle of wings, as I jumped back into ministry.
I went from one foster child to four, full-time, and as many as 7 on the weekends. Yes, it is different, and difficult, but I'm not alone anymore. Somehow one, on my own, was harder than all of those between two of us.
Two are better than one... A cord of three strands is not easily broken...
I have returned, but I am not the same.
Yes, I still struggle.
Yes, I still have the same weaknesses.
Yes, it's a process and I'm learning and growing.
But I am confident that he who begain the good work in me will carry it on to the day of completion (phil. 1). And his grace is sufficient for me, for his power is made perfect in my weakness (2 cor. 12).
I have the victory, in Jesus. I will cling to that, and work out my salvation in my daily living. forward motion...
I return to Bogota, Colombia.
I return to being a foster mom.
I return, but I am not the same...
Finishing the DTS felt like a victory, like an accomplishment. Leaving Pichilemu was signing off on a wonderful chapter of my story. Returning to Bogota was dreamlike and joyful.
Things have changed, but not as visibly as I expected. It feels... normal... to be here. Almost as though I'd never left.
I've completed one week back. It flew like a dove with a startled flutter and a whistle of wings, as I jumped back into ministry.
I went from one foster child to four, full-time, and as many as 7 on the weekends. Yes, it is different, and difficult, but I'm not alone anymore. Somehow one, on my own, was harder than all of those between two of us.
Two are better than one... A cord of three strands is not easily broken...
I have returned, but I am not the same.
Yes, I still struggle.
Yes, I still have the same weaknesses.
Yes, it's a process and I'm learning and growing.
But I am confident that he who begain the good work in me will carry it on to the day of completion (phil. 1). And his grace is sufficient for me, for his power is made perfect in my weakness (2 cor. 12).
I have the victory, in Jesus. I will cling to that, and work out my salvation in my daily living. forward motion...
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Pichilemu
No, that's not some newly-invented curseword, it's a town. My new town, in fact... for now. I arrived yesterday around midnight after a three-hour drive from the Chilean capital, Santiago. My Discipleship Training School starts tomorrow.
It's the end of summer/beginning of autumn here. There are mostly pine trees, but I hope that the deciduous ones will change colors as the weather gets cooler. The day is nice... warm in the sun. The base -- a cluster of houses where families and students live and study -- is on a hill. The ground is covered in a fine, dry dust, some pebbles, and some pine needles.. When I look out from I see the Pacific Ocean down below. On the other side of the hill you can see small mountains in the distance. I think the town has 15,000-20,000 inhabitants: bigger than I had imagined, since I had been told it was a little village.
There are a lot of Colombians here for the DTS, several from Bogota itself. Also, people from Chile, Argetina, Uruguay, Paraguay, Brasil, Costa Rica, Germany, The U.S., Canada, Holland, and other places too, I'm sure.
This morning we had a church service here at the base, then I rested for a while, then we had lunch. Now I'm hanging out in the kitchen/living area of the girls' quarters. We have a small stove, small sink, and small refrigerator. A sofa, a table, and a few chairs. There are three bedrooms, each with three bunk beds.
The sun is shining, the wind is blowing, we feel sleepy... but I want to go see the town and the beach, and hopefully we'll go do that soon.
Here's to all that begins tomorrow; or all that began when I left North Carolina on Thursday, or Colombia yesterday, or when I left home over a year ago, or the day I was born... not sure when it all began, but here's to the next step!
It's the end of summer/beginning of autumn here. There are mostly pine trees, but I hope that the deciduous ones will change colors as the weather gets cooler. The day is nice... warm in the sun. The base -- a cluster of houses where families and students live and study -- is on a hill. The ground is covered in a fine, dry dust, some pebbles, and some pine needles.. When I look out from I see the Pacific Ocean down below. On the other side of the hill you can see small mountains in the distance. I think the town has 15,000-20,000 inhabitants: bigger than I had imagined, since I had been told it was a little village.
There are a lot of Colombians here for the DTS, several from Bogota itself. Also, people from Chile, Argetina, Uruguay, Paraguay, Brasil, Costa Rica, Germany, The U.S., Canada, Holland, and other places too, I'm sure.
This morning we had a church service here at the base, then I rested for a while, then we had lunch. Now I'm hanging out in the kitchen/living area of the girls' quarters. We have a small stove, small sink, and small refrigerator. A sofa, a table, and a few chairs. There are three bedrooms, each with three bunk beds.
The sun is shining, the wind is blowing, we feel sleepy... but I want to go see the town and the beach, and hopefully we'll go do that soon.
Here's to all that begins tomorrow; or all that began when I left North Carolina on Thursday, or Colombia yesterday, or when I left home over a year ago, or the day I was born... not sure when it all began, but here's to the next step!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
The Soloist
WARNING: SPOILER! If you haven't seen this movie and would like to do so without knowing how it turns out, read no further!
(Written February 3rd)
I went to see "The Soloist" (Robert Downey, Jr. and Jamie Foxx) inthe only theater it's playing at in Bogotá -- Cine Colombia de la Av. Chile.
It was good, but not quite what I expected. I guess I expected redemption, reconciliation, healing... on a grand scale.
I expected the neatly-tied bow, but what I got was life. Gritty, frustration, disappointing, entangling, obligating commitment to people... And the fact that we can't go in and do some "quick fix" -- erase the damage of disease and time and sin in the world, and then pull out unscathed.
At first, the reporter just needed a story, then he wanted to help the homeless guy and take away his problems -- "fix" him and his life. When he saw it wasn't happening, he wanted out, but it was too late -- he was already in too deep.
In the end, he "settles" for relationship: a slow redemption process, perhaps.
Before I left for the theater I was talking with a woman who is in Bogotá with a visiting YWAM team who has seen the movie and felt disappointed by it for the lack of hope, healing, redemption. It's true what she says, that Jesus could miraculously heal the schizophrenic man and redeem his soul AND his life. But that doesn't always happen. In fact, most of the time it doesn't. And we can lose faith, but we can also deal with it and grow in a slow healing and redemption.
If Nathaniel Ayers (homeless) had gotten on meds, off the street, all better, and become a star celloist, then Steve López (reporter) could've pulled out of the picture, self-content, and moved on with his life.
But we need each other, as frustrating and unproductive as it can be.
A quote from the movie, scribbled on the back of my ticket stub in the dark theater... it speaks what I often think, hope, and pray for the street people, addicts, and prostitutes that I see:
"I believe these children of God are gonna be okay tonight. They're gonna sleep and dream as humans do."
(Written February 3rd)
I went to see "The Soloist" (Robert Downey, Jr. and Jamie Foxx) inthe only theater it's playing at in Bogotá -- Cine Colombia de la Av. Chile.
It was good, but not quite what I expected. I guess I expected redemption, reconciliation, healing... on a grand scale.
I expected the neatly-tied bow, but what I got was life. Gritty, frustration, disappointing, entangling, obligating commitment to people... And the fact that we can't go in and do some "quick fix" -- erase the damage of disease and time and sin in the world, and then pull out unscathed.
At first, the reporter just needed a story, then he wanted to help the homeless guy and take away his problems -- "fix" him and his life. When he saw it wasn't happening, he wanted out, but it was too late -- he was already in too deep.
In the end, he "settles" for relationship: a slow redemption process, perhaps.
Before I left for the theater I was talking with a woman who is in Bogotá with a visiting YWAM team who has seen the movie and felt disappointed by it for the lack of hope, healing, redemption. It's true what she says, that Jesus could miraculously heal the schizophrenic man and redeem his soul AND his life. But that doesn't always happen. In fact, most of the time it doesn't. And we can lose faith, but we can also deal with it and grow in a slow healing and redemption.
If Nathaniel Ayers (homeless) had gotten on meds, off the street, all better, and become a star celloist, then Steve López (reporter) could've pulled out of the picture, self-content, and moved on with his life.
But we need each other, as frustrating and unproductive as it can be.
A quote from the movie, scribbled on the back of my ticket stub in the dark theater... it speaks what I often think, hope, and pray for the street people, addicts, and prostitutes that I see:
"I believe these children of God are gonna be okay tonight. They're gonna sleep and dream as humans do."
Saturday, February 13, 2010
amazonas
10 February
On the Amazon River. It's beautiful, broad, cafe con leche brown, solitary. Its tree-lined banks are scattered with occasional huts on stilts.
On the far side is Perú!
Drifiting tree trunks, branches, an anachronistic styrofoam box from someone{s lunch, fishermen let us pass them by.
There is consistent cloud-cover over this, the lungs of the planet.
I am polluting her arteries.
I long for 'simpler' times, days of true adventure, when the carbon footprint wasn't as great, or as noticeable.
Yet, I know that I enjoy the convenience of my era. That, in former centuries, I would never be here, most likely never would've left North Carolina or my region, let alone my continent.
And the environmental impact is unavoidable. Every time I eat fish, I'm contributing to gasoline, exhaust, trash in our rivers, in the oceans, in the clouds. Anytime I go anywhere and I don't walk or ride a bike or an animal, anytime I turn on a light or a faucet, use my computer, grocery shop...
Neither do I want to live out my days farming in the middle of nowhere only using what I produce. (Although there is something appealing to me in the agricultural lifestyle)
But the fact of the matter is, our world is moving away from that. We're all migrating to megacities and then paying large sums to take eco-vacations out to virgin wilderness or to see the few brave souls who are still livingcloser to the earth than we can, but who, nevertheless, have gasoline generators to power their DirecTV, and dream of city vacations.
On the Amazon River. It's beautiful, broad, cafe con leche brown, solitary. Its tree-lined banks are scattered with occasional huts on stilts.
On the far side is Perú!
Drifiting tree trunks, branches, an anachronistic styrofoam box from someone{s lunch, fishermen let us pass them by.
There is consistent cloud-cover over this, the lungs of the planet.
I am polluting her arteries.
I long for 'simpler' times, days of true adventure, when the carbon footprint wasn't as great, or as noticeable.
Yet, I know that I enjoy the convenience of my era. That, in former centuries, I would never be here, most likely never would've left North Carolina or my region, let alone my continent.
And the environmental impact is unavoidable. Every time I eat fish, I'm contributing to gasoline, exhaust, trash in our rivers, in the oceans, in the clouds. Anytime I go anywhere and I don't walk or ride a bike or an animal, anytime I turn on a light or a faucet, use my computer, grocery shop...
Neither do I want to live out my days farming in the middle of nowhere only using what I produce. (Although there is something appealing to me in the agricultural lifestyle)
But the fact of the matter is, our world is moving away from that. We're all migrating to megacities and then paying large sums to take eco-vacations out to virgin wilderness or to see the few brave souls who are still livingcloser to the earth than we can, but who, nevertheless, have gasoline generators to power their DirecTV, and dream of city vacations.
Friday, January 29, 2010
FALL
I have one "regular" week left here, then a week of travel with a couple friends, then a few days to get my things in order.
My emotions are so mixed I'm not even able to process them all completely.
Bibiana says that the process of the DTS starts before one goes, and I know that. I know that my recent (and coming) moments of revelation, of tears, of breaking truth, are leading up to the six months I'll spend focusing on God.
With so many questions I'm tempted to say "prove me wrong, God" but today, listening to a 100 Portraits & Waterdeep song, I softened a bit. If I want to be made new, if I want Him to make sense of the questions and the dreams and the realities --of the fact of "almost but not yet" which is the state of the Kingdom of Heaven on earth and of our new life in Christ-- then I have to be open to the work of the Spirit.
Will I let myself fall on the Rock and be broken, or will the Rock have to fall on top of me? If I LET myself fall, there's more chance of putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.*
"Since I am so sick, Since I am in need, Since I have no healing within me:
Oh, my God, be mindful of me...You are my help and my Redeemer.
Unto You, oh Lord, I lift up my soul, In Your loving-kindness I believe.
SURELY THOSE WHO WAIT ON YOU WILL NEVER BE ASHAMED;
ALL OF THOSE WHO FALL ON YOU WILL KNOW THE FAITHFULNESS OF YOUR NAME."
(album: Enter the Worship Circle/ song: Since I am so sick)
*Matthew 21:44
also interesting Matthew 21:28-30 ... which will I be? and you? and, are there only two options?
My emotions are so mixed I'm not even able to process them all completely.
Bibiana says that the process of the DTS starts before one goes, and I know that. I know that my recent (and coming) moments of revelation, of tears, of breaking truth, are leading up to the six months I'll spend focusing on God.
With so many questions I'm tempted to say "prove me wrong, God" but today, listening to a 100 Portraits & Waterdeep song, I softened a bit. If I want to be made new, if I want Him to make sense of the questions and the dreams and the realities --of the fact of "almost but not yet" which is the state of the Kingdom of Heaven on earth and of our new life in Christ-- then I have to be open to the work of the Spirit.
Will I let myself fall on the Rock and be broken, or will the Rock have to fall on top of me? If I LET myself fall, there's more chance of putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.*
"Since I am so sick, Since I am in need, Since I have no healing within me:
Oh, my God, be mindful of me...You are my help and my Redeemer.
Unto You, oh Lord, I lift up my soul, In Your loving-kindness I believe.
SURELY THOSE WHO WAIT ON YOU WILL NEVER BE ASHAMED;
ALL OF THOSE WHO FALL ON YOU WILL KNOW THE FAITHFULNESS OF YOUR NAME."
(album: Enter the Worship Circle/ song: Since I am so sick)
*Matthew 21:44
also interesting Matthew 21:28-30 ... which will I be? and you? and, are there only two options?
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Funny
Funny things J. has said recently (translated to English):
While eating dinner, he asked, “When I finish can I play a little bit more?”
-No, because you need to get ready and go to bed.
-AGAIN?!
Last Sunday, I borrowed an outfit from Jessica, who is from Laguna Beach, California. The shirt and jean jacket were definitely my style, but I felt unsure about the white jeans (I don’t think I’ve worn colored jeans since fifth grade). I didn’t have anything else I wanted to wear, though, so I kept them on and we walked out the door.
J. saw them and said, “Emily those pants are funny. But only when you wear them.”
I laughed and told him I felt the same way!
Out of nowhere, he comes out with “OH MY GOODNESS!” in great English. We’ve definitely reached a critical point in the bilingual bridge. He repeats things we say all the time, and his pronunciation is pretty good.
While eating dinner, he asked, “When I finish can I play a little bit more?”
-No, because you need to get ready and go to bed.
-AGAIN?!
Last Sunday, I borrowed an outfit from Jessica, who is from Laguna Beach, California. The shirt and jean jacket were definitely my style, but I felt unsure about the white jeans (I don’t think I’ve worn colored jeans since fifth grade). I didn’t have anything else I wanted to wear, though, so I kept them on and we walked out the door.
J. saw them and said, “Emily those pants are funny. But only when you wear them.”
I laughed and told him I felt the same way!
Out of nowhere, he comes out with “OH MY GOODNESS!” in great English. We’ve definitely reached a critical point in the bilingual bridge. He repeats things we say all the time, and his pronunciation is pretty good.
Rain
It’s raining for the first time in two months; the kind of slow, steady rain that Mom likes, that the parched ground can actually soak up. I’m making brownies for I’s fourteenth birthday tomorrow and cookie bars for the day after that, when the whole ministry team will be up here at the farm for a workday. Beef stew is simmering for this evening’s meal. Bibiana is on her way back here after being in her home country of Venezuela for a week. Little J. is up the hill playing at another house. The girls here have finally finished their chores, which they started approximately five hours ago, so there’s no more fighting in the house and the peace seeps in around our roots.
Listening to a sermon today, Greg made reference to a time about two years ago when I and a couple of people at that church tried to start up a new ministry, and it flopped. Comparing that with this venture I’ve been on for a year, I can see what he means about God’s gifting and calling and equipping for his work to be done. When we were trying to reach out to the neighborhood around us, I remember feeling mostly frustrated and unsure. Here I feel that I flourish, even when I get aggravated with J. or other situations. A couple of sermons back in the series, he mentioned a missionary who said he knew for sure that God had called him to Uganda when the plane landed there, because keeping him from arriving was the final thing the Lord could’ve done to stop him. But, looking at Greg’s own experience in Uganda, where, as he puts it, he hid in the mud hut reading comic books to escape while his wife made friends with the village women, I think that the arrival is only one part. Flourishing or faltering demonstrates a lot about calling and capacitation.
I’m not saying that I’ve always felt like I’m thriving here. You just need to go back and read entries from March, April, May to see a glimpse of some difficult times I’ve been through. Confronting my dream with the reality of what it means to take care of neglected children in a family-style setting caused winds of doubt and disenchantment. But God knows when to send the rain; the confirmation, the salve to our wounded souls. My parent’s mid-year visit was a two-week long oasis. The early-December vacation with friends was another time to relax and soak up.
In Colombia, when it rains a lot of activities get cancelled. People stay home. They don’t go to their parties, don’t run their errands, they rest and wait.
In February I’m going home for a month, then I’ll head to Chile for my Discipleship Training School. My heart is divided: I want the time with God, the rest time to focus and fall in love with Him, time to hear his voice, to wait for confirmation and direction. But I ache for my foster son, worried that he won’t understand, that he’ll feel abandoned again, worried that I won’t be allowed to keep my promise to return to be with him. I’m jealous for all that will happen here while I’m gone and all that I’ll miss.
But I’m not God. The Lord is J’s father; it is the Lord who takes care of him, whether I get to be His hands or someone else here. And there is so much that I don’t understand, so if what I need is six months of resting, of focusing on God instead of pouring myself into these children, then I will go. I will wait out the long, steady shower.
Listening to a sermon today, Greg made reference to a time about two years ago when I and a couple of people at that church tried to start up a new ministry, and it flopped. Comparing that with this venture I’ve been on for a year, I can see what he means about God’s gifting and calling and equipping for his work to be done. When we were trying to reach out to the neighborhood around us, I remember feeling mostly frustrated and unsure. Here I feel that I flourish, even when I get aggravated with J. or other situations. A couple of sermons back in the series, he mentioned a missionary who said he knew for sure that God had called him to Uganda when the plane landed there, because keeping him from arriving was the final thing the Lord could’ve done to stop him. But, looking at Greg’s own experience in Uganda, where, as he puts it, he hid in the mud hut reading comic books to escape while his wife made friends with the village women, I think that the arrival is only one part. Flourishing or faltering demonstrates a lot about calling and capacitation.
I’m not saying that I’ve always felt like I’m thriving here. You just need to go back and read entries from March, April, May to see a glimpse of some difficult times I’ve been through. Confronting my dream with the reality of what it means to take care of neglected children in a family-style setting caused winds of doubt and disenchantment. But God knows when to send the rain; the confirmation, the salve to our wounded souls. My parent’s mid-year visit was a two-week long oasis. The early-December vacation with friends was another time to relax and soak up.
In Colombia, when it rains a lot of activities get cancelled. People stay home. They don’t go to their parties, don’t run their errands, they rest and wait.
In February I’m going home for a month, then I’ll head to Chile for my Discipleship Training School. My heart is divided: I want the time with God, the rest time to focus and fall in love with Him, time to hear his voice, to wait for confirmation and direction. But I ache for my foster son, worried that he won’t understand, that he’ll feel abandoned again, worried that I won’t be allowed to keep my promise to return to be with him. I’m jealous for all that will happen here while I’m gone and all that I’ll miss.
But I’m not God. The Lord is J’s father; it is the Lord who takes care of him, whether I get to be His hands or someone else here. And there is so much that I don’t understand, so if what I need is six months of resting, of focusing on God instead of pouring myself into these children, then I will go. I will wait out the long, steady shower.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
note
A note on that last post: In a conversation with a friend, we realized that it turns out that struggle I referred to springs from a huge LIE that we both (all) believe too often. That is, "God doesn't bless me. God doesn't want to give me good things." The blessing or good thing we perceive him to be witholding depends, of course, on each person. It's the same thing as in the old Garden of Eden story: "Don't trust him, he's holding out on you!"
Friday, January 1, 2010
New?
New year, same old sin.
I woke up this morning struggling with something that I've dealt with my entire life, since preschool at least! You can change the calendar, but it doesn't change the paradigm we live in.
My journal entry this morning (not the first this year, since I also wrote last night before sleeping):
I realize that this is the same struggle I've had all my life.
I recognize that it exists because of sin; because I was created for intimacy with You but that got broken. That I'm supposed to find my worth and identity in you, but we've been separated and I consistently look to other things or people to define me.
I know these things, but it's still a fight I have to live.
Holy Spirit, come.
Lord Jesus, come.
Loving Father, come.
A Chris Tomlin song that encouraged me this morning, as I strummed my guitar and waited for the answer to that prayer of invitation:
Great is your faithfulness, oh God/ you wrestle with the sinner's heart/ you lead us in the song of our salvation/ and nothing can keep us apart.
So remember your people, remember your children, remember your promise, oh God...
Your grace is enough/ heaven reaching down to us/ your grace is enough for me.
Your grace is enough/ I'm covered in your love/ your grace is enough for me.
I woke up this morning struggling with something that I've dealt with my entire life, since preschool at least! You can change the calendar, but it doesn't change the paradigm we live in.
My journal entry this morning (not the first this year, since I also wrote last night before sleeping):
I realize that this is the same struggle I've had all my life.
I recognize that it exists because of sin; because I was created for intimacy with You but that got broken. That I'm supposed to find my worth and identity in you, but we've been separated and I consistently look to other things or people to define me.
I know these things, but it's still a fight I have to live.
Holy Spirit, come.
Lord Jesus, come.
Loving Father, come.
A Chris Tomlin song that encouraged me this morning, as I strummed my guitar and waited for the answer to that prayer of invitation:
Great is your faithfulness, oh God/ you wrestle with the sinner's heart/ you lead us in the song of our salvation/ and nothing can keep us apart.
So remember your people, remember your children, remember your promise, oh God...
Your grace is enough/ heaven reaching down to us/ your grace is enough for me.
Your grace is enough/ I'm covered in your love/ your grace is enough for me.
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